Poor Hugh M. Hefner.  (Or as friends like me call him, “Hef.”)  His beautiful fiancee Crystal Harris, has called off their wedding.

And talk about the last minute – the blushing bride-to-be had her change of heart yesterday, and the big day was supposed to be this Sunday!  Sure, it’s better than getting stood up at the altar, but still!  C’mon, Crystal, you couldn’t have given Hef more of a heads up?  It takes him a while to get places, you know!

I don’t know what is wrong with this world we live in.  Gay marriages are illegal in most states (come on, New York, we’re already late to this party, but we can still do the right thing!), and now, a rich 85 year old man gets thwarted in his attempts to marry a woman just 60 years his junior.  Is nothing scared anymore?

But Hef, if you’re reading this (he might!), look at this wedding cancellation as a blessing in disguise.  Nobody likes to get rejected, and of course it would stung to get left for a younger man (if she is in fact running around with Dr. Phil’s son – no, not the one who’s already married to one of three Miss December 1998’s Erica Dahm, the other son.  I mean, what on earth could she possibly have in common with a fella born in the same year as her??)

But honestly Hef, why would you want to be tied down at the tender young age of 85?  Your best bachelor years are still ahead of you!  Sure, some people will say it’s creepy for a man in his late 80’s, 90’s, and even over 100 to be sleeping with 19 year old girls.  But hey, they thought the same thing when you were in your 40’s and 50’s – and that sure didn’t stop you!  Remember Barbi Benton?  (No, really, do you?  BARBI BENTON!)  She was a super fox back in the day.  And you were what, 43 when she was 19?  That had plenty of ick factor then, but when you think that it was OVER FORTY FRIGGIN YEARS AGO, and you’ve been happily bedding younger gals ever since (and for many years before as well!), it just becomes damn impressive.

Look, I’m not disparaging the institution of marriage, I’m just saying that, given your current age and lifestyle, it simply isn’t practical.  Growing old alongside someone you love sounds great and all, but that tends to work better when you both are starting off on similar footing.  And let’s be pragmatic – you’re going to live for a long time – your mother was a centenarian, after all.  So when you’re 100, Crystal will be FORTY.  Yikes.  In your twilight years, do you want to be waking up every morning next to a woman in her forties??  Of course not.  You want to be waking up next to a bevvy of blonde bimbos who’s names you can’t remember.  And while that may be the dream of many a common man, for you that can ACTUALLY HAPPEN!

What else would you need to get married for?  Kids?  You had two kids with your first wife that are now in their fifties.  You had two kids with your second wife who are now 19 and 21.  Given as how your first two kids didn’t have any kids of their own, you effectively had your own grandkids.  Plus, you have millions of loyal subscribers who look up to you as a father figure.  So your legacy is completely ironclad.  More kids would just make splitting up your empire when you do eventually pass away more of a headache. (Besides, you’re probably going to be in adult diapers before too long – do you also want to be changing a baby’s diapers too?)

Nah, the way I see it, you’re way better off this way, Hef.  It will sting for a bit, I know, but you’ll quickly find comfort in a new pretty young thing.  Or two.  Or a dozen!  (Hey, you’re on the rebound!)  And before long, you’ll be asking yourself, “Crystal Who?”  That may in fact be the result of senility, but the important thing is that your painful memories will be long gone.

And you’ll be happy.  I just know it.

This whole Twitter thing is a bit beyond me- I admit it.

I signed up for an account for Nick’s Marathon (@NicksMarathon), but I don’t think I really ever got the hang of it.  I tried to tweet @ folks and use some hashtags, but I think it is safe to say that I did not set the Twitter-verse on fire.  Oh well.

But I saw Time’s article of The 140 Best Twitter Feeds and my curiosity was piqued.  Apparently, there are some pretty funny feeds out there – written by fictional characters – that I had yet to discover.  (The politicians and pundits and the corporate accounts may be wonderful, but they simply don’t interest me.  Sorry, @SarahPalinUSA!)

Tracy Jordan, the fictional and hysterical character Tracy Morgan plays on 30 Rock, has a Twitter account, where he says things like, “My genius has come alive! Like toys when your back is turned.”

Homer Simpson has a feed where he says things like, “Either I just met a delightful Leprechaun, or I got mugged by a vicious 9 year old.”  I’ve been there, man.

But the best discovery from the Time article was this one – @JerkSuperman.  Yeah, it’s written by a mean, vindictive, and very funny version of The Man of Steel – like the one Clark Kent beats up in Superman III!  Some great bon mots from his feed:

I love having dinner with Aquaman. I get fish and chips, he gets a salad and cries. Good times.

Superman’s Guide to Beating Someone With Kryptonite: 1) Fly into space. 2) Commence heat vision aerial bombardment. 3) Lunch.

Could I beat Batman in a fight? Hmm… does killing him with eye lasers or dropping a building on him while he’s asleep count? Then yes.

Great, wonderful stuff.  I think it’s perfectly acceptable for @NicksMarathon to follow these fictional folks, don’t you?

If you weren’t paying attention (traitor!) on Sunday, here’s the video.

Didja notice what was wrong? The correct words are, “Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight, O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.” Christina reworked those lines into: “Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight, what so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last reaming.” Francis Scott Key was likely not amused, were he watching from the great Superbowl party in the sky.  I mean,”‘twilight’s last reaming?”  What the hell does that even mean?

But hey, we all make mistakes, right? So the Brooklyn Cyclones, the Mets’ Class A minor league team, has offered Christina a chance to sing the National Anthem at one of their home games this season.  Will she do it?  Probably not – the team offered her not just the chance to sing, but also a lyric sheet to make sure she can get it straight this time.

(As an aside, I do recommend going to a Cyclones game if you can – the tickets and concessions are a lot cheaper than at a major league park, and you may even catch some players working their way through rehab assignments or going for a comeback Kenny Powers style!)