In keeping with long-standing holiday tradition (you know, the one I started earlier this week)… Merry Christmas, from Jesus and Santa!

I promised last week to pick up where I left off… so, where was I? Oh yes, hump day.

WEDNESDAY
Wednesday has become an incredibly strong night for comedy. Modern Family is easily one of the funniest shows on TV, and is arguably the funniest show since Arrested Development went off the air. Up All Night is definitely a great show, especially one for new parents. And Happy Endings is more than just a showcase of super-hottie Kim Bauer, aka Elisha Cuthbert – it’s another really well-scripted sitcom.

And, of course, let’s not forget South Park, which had another stellar season, even though I was a little let down with their take on the Occupy movement, which really had nothing to do with the protests at all. Still, the way they came back from the incredibly depressing “You’re Getting Old” was brilliant.

THURSDAY
The Office has survived without Michael Scott. Is the show as funny as it was many years ago? No. But then, the same thing could be said for the past few years when Steve Carell was still on the show. It may not have as many laugh-out-loud moments as it once did, but it’s still one of the funnier shows out there. And Community has just continued it’s brilliance this season. I mean, wow. If you’re not watching this show, you really should be. If, of course, it comes back in the spring. There’s a chance that the show’s hilarious Christmas episode (which did a spot-on parody of Glee) could be the series’ last. If Community is canceled, after Whitney got a full season order, then NBC is in worse shape than anyone could have possibly imagined.

And let’s not forget the triumphant return of Beavis and Butt-head. The show hasn’t aged at all in the 14 years since it’s last been on the air, and it turns out, that’s a good thing. The humor is exactly the same – infantile. Beavis and Butt-head have the same level of intelligence – none. The biggest change is that now they don’t simply make fun of music videos, they also rip apart other MTV shows – mostly Jersey Shore. Personally, I like it better when they go off on people besides Snooki and co., who are after all pretty easy targets. (And secretly I wish they’d mock one of my episodes of Made, though I’m sure the odds are definitely against that.)

FRIDAY
Fringe is a whole new show this year, with the final events of last season creating an entirely new timeline in both universes. (If you don’t watch the show, that sentence must have been entirely confusing.) I have no idea where they’re going with this “where does Peter fit in” arc – can he get back to his old timeline, or is he stuck in this new one he’s created? But I guess that’s’ the cool thing about Fringe, it keeps you guessing, and you’re never going to be able to figure it out…nor do you want to.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Star Wars: The Clone Wars is phenomenal television, and is way too political and smart to be written off as a simple “kids show,” though it can function as both at the same time. Just watch the brilliantly subversive “Nomad Droids” episode. The stories are dark, the violence is brutal, and the analogies to our modern-day political landscape come at you fast and furious, and the line between good and evil can be crystal clear in one episode, and awfully murky the next.

Then there’s the Onion News Network, which is political and social satire at its finest. If you have IFC, you should really be watching this show. It’s got the same sensibility of The Onion, but you don’t have to read! Although you should read all of the text that’s on the bottom of the screen (we in the biz call those “chyrons”), because those tend to be pretty damn funny, too.

SATURDAY
Saturday Night Live is another show I have a conflicted relationship with. There are sketches and entire episodes that are positively brilliant and consistently hysterical. Then there are the hosts and the individual skits that don’t make me smile, let alone laugh. At all. But I keep watching, namely because the great moments make suffering through the duds worth it. Of the recent batch of episodes, I felt Ben Stiller and Anna Farris were disappointing, Steve Buscemi was underused, Katy Perry did nothing for me, Emma Stone and Melissa McCarthy were great, Jimmy Fallon’s impressions were spot-on as usual, and Jason Segel’s monologue with the Muppets was one of the show’s best in a long, long time.

In conclusion… I watch too much damn TV… and I’m proud of it!

From the Broflovski family… to yours!

(In my best Kermit the frog voice) Yaaaaaaay!

It’s been 12 years since the last Muppet movie, and 27 years since the last truly great one. But Jason Segel has done it – he brought the Muppets back!

Courtney and I finally got around to seeing The Muppets, and I was mightily impressed. It’s definitely a throwback to the Muppets’ heyday, complete with a plot centered around the standard rich and famous contract from the original movie, clips from The Muppet Show, and vintage references galore – but there was more than that. The characters often acknowledge the fact that they are in a movie. When incredible distances are traveled in no time, or when there is some key plot point exposition, or when they need to go to a time-saving montage, those moments are specifically called out for the audience. I feel like that doesn’t happen very often in movies anymore, and while I generally don’t like breaking the fourth wall, it works seamlessly in a Muppet movie.

Then there’s the music. Bret McKenzie, half of the Flight of the Conchords, wrote the original songs, and they are amazing. The most Flight-of-the-Conchords-y song, “Man or Muppet,”: was hands down my favorite, but all of the new tunes were great. They might not be classics on par with “The Rainbow Connection” or “Together Again,” but they are all definitely catchy, they move the story along, and they are used sparingly; i.e. there’s not a new song starting every five minutes.

The plot is simple and straight-forward, and closely mirrors the real world situation The Muppets have found themselves in recently; namely, that they have been largely forgotten and glossed over, yet there are still dedicated fans pulling for a comeback. The movie is definitely more for the original fans, and the nostalgia for the franchise is certainly a big part of the story… which makes sense, given that Segel wrote the script as basically a love-letter to the felt puppets of his youth.

The big question that remains is whether this new iteration can attract new, young fans. The kid in me loved it, but today’s actual kids are used to 3D, CGI, and dark stories where the main character’s parents were murdered by an evil wizard. There were a few kids in the theater with us, and though they did laugh a few times, they were also definitely bored at times. That could have just been them, and there’s no way to know if those two youngins are representative of the youth of the nation as a whole. The movie’s gotten good buzz and fairly good reviews, but it couldn’t beat Twilight for the #1 spot at the box office. If that’s not a sad state of affairs, I don’t know what is.

But in the end, it was a really fun movie – there was even a new Toy Story short attached! – and I heartily recommend the movie to everyone, be they child or woman… man or Muppet.

The TV Season is halfway over, with pretty much every show having had it’s “fall finale.” (When did that even become a thing, anyway?) At the season’s midpoint, I’ve decided to weigh in with my unsolicited opinions on the shows I’ve been watching, in order of the night in which they air.

SUNDAY
The Simpsons is still amazingly funny. This season has had some truly great episodes, “The Food Wife,” “The Book Job,” and “Holidays of Future Passed” all come to mind as modern-day classics. Of the MacFarlane shows, I still maintain that American Dad is the funniest of the lot. The Cleveland Show has its moments on occasion, and Family Guy has just been really tough to watch lately. Suddenly it’s become much more of a preachy and heavy-handed show and less of a funny show. I’m enjoying Allen Gregory so far – it’s pretty unique, utterly bizarre, and weirdly entertaining.

The Walking Dead has had more than it’s share of issues this season, as my buddy Brett has already wonderfully outlined. There’s been far too much talking, the Sophia storyline dragged on way too long, and the fact that Herschel never mentioned that he found a little girl is going to be tough to explain when the show comes back. Boardwalk Empire on the other hand, had a superb second season. The last three episodes in particular each had some pretty shocking and tough to watch moments, but I mean that in the best way possible.
HI
MONDAY
HIMYM has continued to prove this season that it can be funny and yet still pack an emotional punch There has yet to be any major movement on Ted actually, you know, finding the damn mother, but that’s just going to have to wait until the series ends, so whatever. We watched a few episodes of the new Charlie Sheen-less Two and a Half Men, and that was all we could take. The show was always low-brow and silly, but the simple fact is that Sheen was an infinitely better lead than Ashton Kutcher. Oh well.

Terra Nova I have mixed feelings on. The pilot was full of potential, but then the show’s mythology quickly took a backseat to ridiculous one-off episodes. I mean, an amnesia storyline in episode 3? Really? Things have picked up lately, but the pacing feels unnecessarily slow at some times, and insanely rushed at others. I’m writing this before the season (series?) finale, and I am still curious to see where they tale the story… and if the ratings will justify a second season for the big budget show. My guess is no.

TUESDAY
Parenthood is an amazing show, and one of the series I most look forward to. That said, there were some pretty big plot holes this year that kind of took me out of the show. Namely, the parents of the kid that Alex punched pressing charges against Alex. Underage kids were drinking at their house; why on earth would they want to involve the authorities? Haddie was drinking there – wouldn’t it have been simpler for Adam and Kristina to remind the parents of that small but important fact right away? And then later in the season, Sydney can’t figure out the rules of Charades, but she knows how to play chess? Huh? These are minor gripes, but I only nitpick because I love the show so much, and the fact that it feels so real and genuine is one of it’s greatest charms; watching that fall away just bums me out. Still, I love that Julia and Joel have a meaty storyline, and hey, Drew has a girlfriend! Yay!

Then there’s Glee. Ah, Glee. I keep on watching this show, yet I’m not totally sure why. There is so much potential for great stories with all of these characters, but it seems like so many of these plot threads just get left by the wayside, never to be mentioned again. Maybe I’m just expecting too much for a show where a bunch of people in their mid- to late- 20’s play teenagers that know the words to every song ever written and can dance in perfect unison without a single rehearsal.

I also tried to get into Ringer due to my love of Sarah Michelle Gellar, but I just couldn’t. Waaaaaaaaaaay to soapy for my tastes. Sorry, SMG, I love ya, but I think now that Smallville is gone, I am officially done with the CW.

Come back next week for Part 2!

Christmas music is inescapable this time of year. If you listen long enough, you’ll notice two things. First, there’s only actually a dozen or so Christmas songs, they’ve just each been recorded so many times that the stations can go 24-7 and rarely play the same song by the same artist more than once a year. Secondly, a lot of these songs have some seriously demented messages. Observe:

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Guess what, children of the world?! There’s a guy out there who wants you to adhere to a strict moral code, and to make sure that you do, he watches you. All the time. Even when you’re sleeping! Pleasant dreams, kids!

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – If bullies are picking on you just because you’re different from them, go out of your way to do them a massive favor. Then you’ll all be best friends! Also, apparently Santa’s strict code of ethics doesn’t apply to his own reindeer.

Baby It’s Cold Outside – Cold weather and holiday parties are a perfect excuse for coercing an unwilling woman to sleep with you. Guys, never take no for an answer, say whatever you need to in order to keep the woman from walking out the door, and feel free to use alcohol to get what you want. Seriously, date rapists probably use this song to psych themselves up.

Do They Know It’s Christmas – People in Africa are starving? Now, during Christmas? Man, can these people NOT depress us with all of their problems when we’re trying to be joyful? Instead of just being hungry, can’t they just play in the snow or do something festive? No? Jerks.

Winter Wonderland – Playing in the snow is fun! Building snowmen is fun! Pretending that a snowman is a minister that can perform marriages is… fun? Huh?? How has the religious right not rallied around this song as destructive to the holy sanctity of matrimony?

Santa Baby – Hey Santa, I’m ordinarily a rather fast gal, but this year instead of throwing myself at a variety of rich men, I’ve decided to streamline things and simply throw myself at you. After all, you have access to the best material goods, which is all that’s important! Thanks!

We Wish You a Merry Christmas – We, the singers of this song, hope you and your family have a great holiday! Now that we’ve wished you well, we would like you to give us an obscure dessert. Yeah, we know it’s a random request, and it’s not something that most people keep lying around in ample quantities, but we demand it, and we will not leave your property or give you any of the peace we previously wished you until you succumb to our command.

Any others that I missed?

Jose Reyes is no longer a Met, after signing a six year, $106 million contract with the Miami Marlins. (Remember when they were just the Florida Marlins?)

Look, it’s an awful lot of money, and it’s hard to blame Jose for being tempted by that amount of dough.

Still, Reyes made a mistake by not coming back to the Mets.

Not because he should have had some loyalty to the team that gave him his start.

Not because he should have been willing to accept less money, given the unfortunate position the Mets are in thanks to Bernie Madoff.

Not because New York is the greatest city in the world.

Not because Miami is going to make him cut off his trademark dreads. (That’s way worse than Mr. Burns forcing Don Mattingly to lose his sideburns.)

Not because he and David Wright made for an amazing left-half of the infield.

Not because he had a kick-ass non-transferable theme song with the Mets. (At least, I hope they are legally barred from doing the Jose chant in Miami.)

No, it’s because despite all of the money that he’s going to make in Miami, he’s going to have to wear THIS HAT to work every day:

Yikes.

Sucks to be you, Jose!

Andy Samberg and his crew Lonely Island make hysterical songs and videos to go with them, but sometimes the SNL Digital Shorts aren’t songs… and they’re still pretty damn funny. Like for example, this video, for example.

If you happen to have even more free procrastinating time on your hands, watch these painful videos of inept people screwing up at Wheel of Fortune. I mean, seriously, what the hell is a “Food-Burning Stove”??? And why would you guess that twice?

Happy Wednesday!

Christmas is tough.

Being Jewish, and having grown up in a household where Christmas passed each year with varying degrees of indifference and hostility, I never really had to do anything to mark the occasion. But thanks to Courtney’s influence, I’ve become more into the holiday over the years; more so now that Eli is able to get something out of the fun. Hell, I can even stand the music in (very) small doses. Sometimes.

Still, decorating the house for the holiday is more or less a suicide mission.

It began innocently enough, with a simple light-up snowman. Frosty was sold more or less assembled, save a few zipties that had to be strategically placed to ensure no strong winds would tear it asunder. The process was more challenging than I anticipated, but I was able to get our front-yard decoration up and running fairly easily and with all of my fingers still attached. Then, I decided to hang a few “icicle style” lights from the front of the house.

As an aside, Courtney was not terribly insistent about these decorations, and truth be told, I was rather adamant about needing to put up *something.* We agreed that Eli would get a kick out of the snowman, and I felt strongly that we just had to do something else in addition. Driving around town, I mutter to myself every time we pass a house with a ridiculously intricate set-up, with the lights all over the house, on every bush, with Santa and his reindeer soaring through the trees, with inflatable Mickey’s and Winnie the Pooh’s and Spongebob’s covering every square inch of their property. I mean, being next to these houses, if you don’t put at least some effort into your decorations, *you* end up looking like a jerk. It’s crazy, right?

As Courtney pointed out, I have been swept up in the insanity of suburban life.

It was hard to argue with her as I found myself struggling to maintain my balance on our 8-foot ladder outside our house, trying to get a handful of lights over our bay window.

When we bought the lights, we also bought a “kit” that helps you put up the lights – it’s am extendable rod with hooks that allow for easy installation of lights – no ladder required!

Suffice it to say, it didn’t help much.

Trying to jam the hooks for the lights under our shingles was no small feat, and it did require a balancing act on a very tall ladder, resting on uneven dirt.

Also, why is it that these icicle lights, that are supposed to hang down vertically (hence the name), much prefer to stay in little bunches? Straightening these things out while on a tall ladder is not my idea of a good time.

Despite my struggles, I was eventually able to get the lights up, but it occurred to me that I struggled mightily with just one pathetically small amount of decoration, while all of our neighbors seem to have no trouble doing much more every year. Maybe I’ll get better with practice… if I don’t kill myself or tear down the house in the process.

Which brings me to the next part of my story. Saturday night we went out to pick out a beautiful Christmas tree under which Santa can put all of Eli’s many toys. We found a place that was open late, offered free hot cider, and are happy to attach the tree to the top of your car for free. How nice!

Until of course, I attempted to drive into the carport with the tree still on top of the car.

Yeah, I did that.

It sounded something awful, and I immediately imagined the entire carport collapsing, crushing us, our cars, and the Balsam Fir that we never even got to decorate.

Luckily, we didn’t seem to do any major structural damage to the carport, and as a bonus, getting the tree off of the car was much easier now that the carport roof had done most of the work for me. Plus, there were just a lot of branches on there that made the tree look far too healthy and full for my tastes. Now, we have a much more “Peanuts”-esque tree at home. Like this:

Hey, less tree means less pine needles to sweep up later! Right?! Ugh.

Alright, Christmas, you’ve bested the Jew this year, but I’ll be ready for you again next December!

Maybe.

The other day, I was reading a friend of mine’s blog, and he had written a post about the random keyword searches that bring people to his blog. I read that, and I thought to myself, “Hey, there’s a great idea I can borrow!”  And of course, by “borrow,” I mean “steal.”  But regardless, I now bring you some of the bizarre Google searches that lead strangers to this blog.

“Huge wood chipper” and “wood chipper what to do with wood chips” – I didn’t realize that wood chipping was such a big deal, but apparently an awful lot of people have questions about them. And they are no doubt disappointed when they are led to my rants and raves about Why I Hate Larry.

“Ron Jeremy,” “Katherine McPhee,” and “Katherine McPhee in Halloween” - Speaking of people being disappointed, I somehow get the sneaking suspicion that the folks looking for images of the infamous ‘hedgehog’ Ron Jeremy and über-babe Kat McPhee were not hoping to see them standing next to my lame-ass on my Brushes With Greatness page. Also, what does “Katherine McPhee in Halloween” even mean? Were they looking for shots of her in a slinky Halloween get-up? Maybe including the word “costume” would have helped their search be more successful.

“Entenmann’s donut holes” and “pop ems” - That’s right, folks, I am not the only person out there that is convinced that Popems are in fact The Perfect Food.

“Short Circuit movie” – Three and a half years ago, there were reports of a remake of the 80’s classic movie, Short Circuit. I wrote a post featuring ten questions I had about the remake, and it still amazingly drives traffic here.

“iv league schools” - Because I’m a pretentious jerk, I wrote an informative and helpful post on what defines the Ivy League. Unfortunately, the fact that people think that it is in fact spelled “iv” and not “ivy” completely justifies my elitist mindset.

“LIRR Quiet cars” - My raving about loud people on the Long Island trains actually led to a Newsday reporter finding my site and contacting me for comment when the news broke that it was actually going to happen. Sadly, I didn’t get his email until after his deadline, and I wasn’t quoted in his piece. Bummer.

“Pink dumbbells,” “rolled up tshirt,” “iced tea,” and “swedish fish” – When I wrote my piece on Baby Measuring, I had to find pictures of all sorts of random images. Oddly and rather surprisingly, other people also searching for these images have ended up at my blog. Maybe they need them for their own blog musings about who-knows-what, or maybe they’ve just never seen a pitcher of iced tea and are doing some research. Regardless, you’d be shocked at how many people do Google searches for pink dumbbells every single day.

“Happy Birthday pictures of handsome men” – I swear I’m not making this one up… Apparently a bing search of that phrase brings you to my Housewarming Party pictures page. I have no idea what that bizarre search phrase means, but I choose to interpret it as a strange kind of interwebs compliment.