This is so ridiculous, I don’t even know where to begin.

First off, how about the fact that she is suing them for $100 million dollars.  ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.  Where did she get that number, from Dr. Evil?  Doesn’t she realize how insanely ludicrous that is?  Even if this lawsuit wasn’t the craziest thing ever (it is), how can she expect it to be taken seriously when she is asking for such an astronomical figure?

Secondly, she is saying that by naming the “milkaholic” baby in the ad Lindsay, eTrade has violated her privacy by using her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality.”  Really?  Are you serious?  Watch the commercial again:

Now, remember, she is saying that the baby infringes upon Ms. Lohan’s “likeness, name, characterization, and personality.” Let’s break this down one at a time, shall we?
This baby shares Lindsay Lohan’s likeness? Lohan is 23, that baby is what, 1? They look nothing alike.
They share a first name, I’ll give her that.
So, how does a fictional baby share a characterization with a celebrity? Well, the baby is described as a milkaholic, and Lindsay Lohan has battled alcohol and drug addiction. Yeah… but… so? I’m sure there are lots of people named Lindsay who have been addicted to things; should they all get to sue, too? Not to mention – couldn’t most babies be characterized as milkaholics? (Eli sure could be!)
She also thinks this baby – who is made to TALK VIA THE MAGIC OF COMPUTER EFFECTS, by the way – has stolen her personality. Well, she clearly must not hold herself in very high regard, because Baby Lindsay’s one line in the ad is “milk-a-what?” Is Lohan saying that she can’t pronounce the made up word milkaholic? I’m sure she could if she tried.

Then there’s the whole part about how the name Lindsay is now synonymous with Lindsay Lohan, that she has the same level of “single-name recognition” as Oprah or Madonna. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that Lindsay Lohan is as famous the world over as Oprah and Madonna. Well, here are some fun facts for you:

Oprah is watched by over 20 million viewers every single week in the United States, and that figure isn’t counting the other 100+ countries her show is sent to.

Madonna has sold over 200 million albums over the course of her career, is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and was ranked second on the 2008 Billboard Hot 100 All-Time Top Artists list. (Number one were the Beatles.)

Lindsay Lohan was in the well-received movie Mean Girls, and had a hit song “Rumors,” both in 2004. After that she released a second lackluster album, and starred in the movies Just My Luck and I Know Who Killed Me. Remember them?

Also, Oprah and Madonna have the names Oprah and Madonna! Mentally, go through your friends and family and acquaintances. How many Oprahs and Madonnas do you know? None? Me too! How about Lindsays? Know a few? Who doesn’t? Know why? Because it’s a common name!

Sorry for ragging on a fellow Long Islander, but come on Lindsay, this is absolute lunacy, and on some level, you have to know it. And besides, those talking baby commercials are cute and funny. So leave the talking babies alone, OK???

• I was totally expecting Sideways Ben to once again throw Alex to the wolves, and let her not get into her dream college (Yale?  really?) while he made his power play.  But this Ben decided to do the right thing.  Whoa.
• And what was up with Sideways Ben and Roger?  They get along?  They’re buddies?  They live together?  They WERE in fact on the Island, but they left?  How?  When?  Are we to assume that the Others’ camp and Dharmaville were both sufficiently far enough away from the blast site that everyone survived?  I mean, it was a hydrogen bomb, but at the same time, it did go off underground.  Or maybe, in Sideways world, Ben wasn’t even at the Others’ camp.  Try to follow the trippy logic: If Oceanic 815 never crashed on the Island, then our time-traveling Losties would have never ended up in the 1970’s, and Ben wouldn’t have been shot.  But then, how could they have been there to detonate the bomb?  It all makes your head hurt to think about.  Anyway, I love how on the Island, Ben gassed his father to death, but in Sideways land, he changes his dad’s oxygen tank.
• One could make the claim that Jack was fully transformed into a man of faith last season, but him sitting there with a lit stick of dynamite because he *knew* he wouldn’t die was still pretty shocking.  The man certainly calmed down after his “Jack smash!” moment in the Lighthouse.  Not only that, but Jack hasn’t seemed to be in the least bit surprised to hear that Hurley is communicating with the recently deceased Jacob.  Richard’s acceptance of it I can believe, since he’s been on the Island for so long.
• And speaking of Richard, why did he tell Jack “not yet” when pressed for answers, if he was planning to blow himself up?  And what did he mean when he told Hurley not to listen to Jacob?  I interpreted it at the time to imply that he suspected the man posing as Jacob to Hurley was in fact Smokey.  But now I think it might have just been a reference to Richard’s disillusionment with Jacob, since he never got the explanation on Jacob’s plan that he craved.  That’s another character (after Man In Black and Ben) who have become totally fed up with Jacob and his mysterious ways.  Although Ben and Richard both seem to have come around.
• I want to know more about Ilana.  How was Jacob her father figure?  How does she know about the candidates?  How does she know Miles can talk to the dead?  Who are the six candidates that are left?  Is she still counting Sayid?  Or is she counting both Kwons?
• And Richard doesn’t age because Jacob touched him?  He touched little girl Kate and little boy Sawyer, and they aged.  There must be more to it than a simple touch.
• The call-back to Nikki and Paulo and their diamonds was hysterical and fantastic.  Did Miles call them “jablonis?”  I’ve heard “jabroni” before, but never “jablonis.”
• Widmore found his way back to the Island?  Cool!  Why?  How?

I’m sure there is more that I’m neglecting now, but oh well.  Oh – and there was another mirror in the Sideways world – Ben saw his reflection as he microwaved his dad’s turkey dinner!  I still don’t know what it means, but after seven straight episodes, it can’t be a coincidence.

A bunch of my favorite TV shows have been renewed for new seasons – here is a quick round-up.  (Yes, some of these are old, but so what?)

Fringe was just given the go-ahead for a third season, which is fantastic news.  The show’s ratings have been down thanks to its hyper-competitive timeslot, but the stories this season have been phenomenal, and the show is really coming into its own.  If you’re not watching it, you should be!

Smallville, which has seen every season since #7 potentially be its last, has gotten a pick-up to continue for a Season Ten.  As a fan of the show, I have been hoping for years that it would come to an end; it’s not that I don’t love it, I just think that based on the concept of the show – Clark Kent growing into the hero he will be – needs to eventually come to its logical conclusion.  For years, the show seemed to be dragging its feet, but no more.  The show still has its issues, but it has proven that it still has legs, and I am excited that they will continue for another year.  I still stand by my assertion that the show does need to come to a satisfactory conclusion, and that the showrunners should negotiate an end that will leave them and the fans happy.

NBC picked up the three Thursday night shows we watch, The Office, 30 Rock, and Community, for additional seasons.  Similarly to Smallville, The Office, as much as I love it, needs to end at some point as well.  What on earth is this documentary crew still doing in Scranton?  Are they *ever* going to take all of this footage and make it into something?  Or are we supposed to now think that the cameras are there as an ongoing reality series?  Has that ever been established?  I still like the show, and I’ll keep watching it, it just seems like it’s gotten a little too silly for its own good.

Community is also pretty funny, and while I can’t see it staying on the air forever (community college is only for two years, right?), another season is good news.  And 30 Rock is pure brilliance, and they need to keep that show going as long as they can keep Alec Baldwin on it.

How I Met Your Mother got a green-light for a sixth season, which is also great news, but once again, the show is going to need to come to an end based on the premise of the series.  Eventually, Ted’s gonna have to meet the Mother, and all of the story lines will have to pay off.

Big Love was given an order for a fifth season, which isn’t terribly surprising given that the show pulls in pretty solid numbers for HBO.  This season seems to be moving at a breakneck pace, which is a nice change from a lot of the other scripted shows on the air that seem to plod along.

And for what it’s worth, here is my official opinion on these shows that are still “on the bubble:”

24 – I could go either way on this one.  The show is still entertaining, but the formula has gotten a bit stale.

Heroes – Yeah, I have stuck with this show despite swearing off it several times.  I didn’t finish this past season, but now with the last few episodes on FiOS’ On Demand, I am planning on it.  The show is also past its prime, so I wouldn’t be heartbroken if it went off.

Scrubs – They never should have brought Scrubs back from the dead after last season, but to cancel it now would just be extra insulting.

V and FlashForward – Both of these shows have potential to live for a few seasons, if the writing can stay strong.  I personally have a little more faith in V, but I’m looking forward to seeing how both shows play out their seasons.

(That’s what she said.)

So no one needs me to recap all of the WABC brouhaha that went down over the past few days.  I’m not pointing fingers at anyone, and now that the dust has settled, I could have relaxed, done nothing, and everything would have worked out just fine.

But last Friday, I was faced with t he threat of losing ABC.  And that meant possibly losing Lost.

So what choice did I have?

On Saturday, the nice man from Verizon came to the house and got us all wired with FiOS.  We’ve only had the set-up for a few days, but so far, it is pretty awesome.  The picture is beautiful, searching for shows to record is a breeze, and they have a TON of stuff On Demand for free, which is a really cool feature.  It does look like the hard drive on the DVR doesn’t have a ton of space for storage, which could be a pain down the road, but if everything we want is available On Demand anyway, then it’ll be less of an issue.

Hooray for FiOS!

Way to go, Jim and Pam, and congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Cecilia Marie Halpert!

OK, so the Halperts are fictional, so the birth of their child is less exciting than, say, Eli’s birth. But I thought as a new parent, I could provide a commentary on what was realistic and what was unrealistic about how Cecilia came into the world. (Spoiler alert, I guess.)

Realistic:

• Jim and Pam were petrified, acting irrationally, and frazzled
• Everyone outside of the labor room is really eager to know *exactly* when the baby will be born
• Watching a woman give birth does make you want to clean out your eyes
• Breastfeeding is not easy, and it doesn’t always just happen
• You think the people in the hospital are going to make sure your baby seat is installed correctly, but they really don’t give a crap

Unrealistic:

• Pam would have needed more than one change of pants after her water broke
• As crazy as most of the workers in this office are, there is no way that so many people would not be urging Pam to go to the hospital when she is clearly in “real” labor – relatively sane characters Oscar and Toby, I’m looking at you!
• You can’t just waltz right into a birthing room – nor should you be able to
• The nurses came into the room mere moments after the call button was pressed
• No new mom could sleep through a baby crying in their room – especially if it’s their baby

Overall, I thought the show was a little too cartoony, with Michael parking the car in an ambulance zone and throwing away the keys and with Dwight destroying the Halpert kitchen (and Jim and Pam’s subsequent lack of a reaction).  Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby was totally predictable, as was as Jim’s reaction to the male lactation consultant.  I don’t know, I hate to jump on the whole “The Office has jumped teh shark!!!” bandwagon (misspelling intentional), but I just feel like the show is at its best when things are believably awkward, not so outrageous that you can’t imagine anyone ever doing anything that ridiculous.  The show’s best moments were little things like Ryan claiming he’s single as Kelly grabs hold of him, or when Michael was surprised to see Pam’s mother at the hospital after her granddaughter was born.

Oh, and one last gripe – Christ-fearing Angela, who told Pam that her baby was still a bastard because it was conceived out of wedlock, is willing to have her own illegitimate child with Dwight?  Huh?

James yelled at me for not putting up spoiler alerts, so fine. SPOILER ALERT for last night’s Lost!

I thought this was another strong episode, with one amazing fight scene, a lot of bloodshed, and more of the pieces of the upcoming battle fall into place. Some quick bullet points:

• This flash-sideways seemed different from the others, because in it, Sayid slips back into the negative behavior we knew he was capable of from the original timeline.  Yeah, Kate was still on the run in her story, but she stopped to help Claire, which showed some degree of new niceness.  And yeah, Sayid got all trigger happy to help his family, but he could have let Keamy go.  Whereas Jack and Locke were able to deal with their inner struggles in their sideways stories, Sayid still acted like the man he no longer wished to be.
• Dogen was asking a lot of Sayid, without giving him much in the way of an explanation.  And FLocke was right to question why Sayid would do what Dogen said, despite the fact that he has given Sayid no reason to trust him.  If the Others really are the good guys, and they need help from the 815′ers, they really should take a minute to explain what the hell is going on.
• And Sayid stabbed FLocke pretty quick, but he did get out a quick hello – is that why stabbing him didn’t work?  Or is he invincible?  Jacob died when he was stabbed; do different rules apply to their mortality?
• And how was Dogen able to keep Smokey out of the Temple?  The ash was still there – why couldn’t Claire have just broken the circle?  The Temple needs to be protected by ash AND a samurai?
• I really enjoyed Sayid’s journey in this episode, from a guy who seemed like the Sayid we knew and loved, to a man who was very clearly “infected” or “claimed” or whatever you want to call it.  This new Sayid is most definitely not *our* Sayid.
• Where is Sawyer while all of this is going on?  And Jin?
• FLocke clearly knew that Kate hadn’t chosen to be in his posse – will she decide to leave later?  Is FLocke worried about that?  Or does he have a plan to get her to stay?
• Claire is clearly pissed at Kate, but shouldn’t she also be angry with FLocke?  He told her Aaron was in the temple, and he wasn’t.  Is she just biting her tongue, knowing how powerful he is?  Or is she confident that he will reunite her with her son one way or another?

Despite what Dogen said, I am still unconvinced that FLocke and Jacob are all good or all evil, I definitely think there is more moral ambiguity there, in a sort of “Book of Job” kind of way, where both Jacob and FLocke are using people to make their own point, and the ends completely justify the means.

Oh, and unless I missed it, Sideways Sayid did not look at his reflection in a mirror at any point, although he did see his reflection quickly as he rang the doorbell at his brother and Nadia’s house.  Does that count?  Maybe?

The web is all aflutter with news of a sequel to Zoolander being in the works. I for one was very excited when I heard about this; Zoolander is a very funny movie, and is still quoted fairly regularly. (Eli has been known to make a Blue Steel look on occasion.) I remember when it came out pretty soon after 9/11, and how it was nice to go out and see a funny movie and laugh and escape from reality for an hour and a half.

One of the funniest parts of the first movie is that Zoolander and Hansel are so clearly not male model material, and now that both of the actors are a decade older, there are plenty of ways they could make jokes about how they should be modeling adult diapers and Medic-alert bracelets. So what has become of Derek and Matilda and their family? And what about the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too? And how about Maury’s enlarged prostate? So many burning questions!

I went into a store this morning, and made a small purchase.  The total came to $3.58.  I handed the cashier four dollar bills, and then I told her I had eight cents.  She had already rung up the $4 into the machine, and my additional change clearly perplexed her.  She took a moment, doing some quick math in her head, and then she handed me a dime and a penny.

I could have let it go I guess, but I felt that I was well within my right to correct her and not get short changed.  I told her that she owed me fifty cents, and she took back her dime and penny and gave me two quarters, but I could tell she wasn’t really sure.

So here’s my question – how the hell did she get that she owed me 11 cents?  When she first rang it up, the machine said that she owed me 42 cents.  Than I gave her 8.  How does 42 plus 8 equal 11?

The long story short is that I interviewed Mr. Jeremy for my show, and he was a very nice guy, and he had no problem taking a picture with me afterwards.

To clear up any confusion, Ron and I were going over the results of our recent fishing trip when this picture was taken.

But now comes word that ON THAT VERY SAME DAY, Super Mario Galaxy 2 will be released!  Check out this new trailer:

That’s right, on just one day, (one of) the greatest TV series of all time will come to its conclusion, AND (one of) the greatest video games of all time will get a brand new sequel! It will be the nerdiest, most Alan-rific day ever*!

(The Mets and Yankees will also be finishing up a three game homestand that night, so if the Mets complete a sweep, that would take things to a whole other level, but I don’t want to get my hopes up TOO much.)

*Yes, 01/11/10 is still really the best day ever.