But gift giving isn’t always easy.

And two of Eli’s birthday presents have been HUGE headaches.  Not for him mind you, but for the rest of us.

First, there’s his train table.  Santa brought Eli a train set for Christmas, and he really loves having Thomas and Percy race along the tracks, crashing with his other toys.  (The wind-up dinosaur has caused many an epic derailment.)  But for his birthday, G-pa bought Eli a table that he could put his train set on.

Perfect, right?

Well, here’s the thing.  When we assembled it, the tabletop didn’t sit right.  In fact, it was really wobbly.  The assembly directions were incredibly simple, and though I am no master craftsman, I have assembled my share of furniture over the years.  Still, my first assumption is always that I screwed up, but after taking the thing apart a few times and putting it back together, I determined that it was not user error.  The middle support piece was simply too high up, and that prevented the tabletop from laying flush.

So I called the company and complained.  They sent me some replacement pieces.

I had the same problem.

I called the company again.  They sent me the other replacement pieces.

I had the same problem again.

I called the company yet again.  This time the woman told me that they would assemble the unit themselves in the factory, make sure it didn’t have any problems, and then send it to me.  I was a bit more confident this time.  But wouldn’t you know it – I had the same damn problem.

So I called the company once again, convinced that the friendly woman I had been speaking with must think me either a conman or severely mentally challenged.  She had no idea what was causing this recurring problem, so she checked with the warehouse.

And do you know what the problem was?  After all of that back and forth?

You have to REALLY jam that middle support piece ALL THE WAY DOWN.

That’s it.

As stupid as I sound now, believe me, I felt much stupider as the customer service woman explained this to me on the phone, and I tried it, and it worked.

On the plus side, now Eli has two extra train tables as backups!

But you know what he doesn’t have?  His own kitchen.

Eli’s Grandma wanted to get him a kitchen play set for his birthday, but by the time she ordered it, the thing was on back-order.  No worries though, he’d get it soon enough, and it’s not like he didn’t get a million other presents (from his Grandma AND everyone else) to tide him over.  And when word came that the kitchen was arriving last Friday, we were all very excited.

Only problem?  It never showed.

My mom called FedEx – apparently our package had been delivered… to Staten Island.  And it was a two pound box.

It was quickly deduced that my mom had been given the wrong tracking number.  She called the website she bought the kitchen from to investigate.

Well it turns out that not only had Eli’s kitchen never been shipped – the order was never even put through!

Why?  Since the product was on back-order, they sent my mom an email informing her of that fact.  In that email, they MEANT TO ASK for confirmation that she still wanted the item.

But they did not ask that question in the email.  So my mom rightfully felt that she had  no need to reply.

Now, weeks later, she was informed that because she didn’t respond to this unasked question, the order was never placed, and she would have to wait another two months for the kitchen.

I don’t know what the woman who runs this site is smoking, but I am sure that she is smoking a lot of it.  Because despite the fact that she had no intention of shipping the kitchen out, she did not hesitate to charge my mother’s credit card.  And though she insisted that she was concerned that it was a Christmas gift that wouldn’t arrive in time, when my mom ordered the kitchen, she also requested a card that read, “Happy Birthday Eli!”

Ugh.

Needless to say, the order was canceled, her credit card was refunded, and no further gifts will ever be purchased from this site ever again.

But what of Eli’s terrible, toy kitchen-less existence?  Fear not, because Uncle Justin is helping find Grandma the same kitchen, only from a reputable seller.

He may just get it in time for his 12th birthday.

(Which means I’ll have it properly assembled just before he turns 23.)

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Alan, are you supposed to be blogging about what happened at a bachelor party?

Well, technically no. But I feel justified in doing so for two reasons. First, I won’t say anything incriminating. Secondly, I feel that the bachelor’s frequent calls home and Facebook updates from the party meant that some transparency was allowed. And as an aside, the bachelor in question forbade me to call home during *my* bachelor party, or even refer to my bride-to-be by name. So yeah, I can write a shot blog post with some highlights.

• You’re getting old when you look around the bachelor party and see that most left index fingers are wearing a wedding band.
• There’s a vodka that tastes like whipped cream.  It sounds gross, but it’s actually pretty good.
• A good friend of mine whose name rhymes with “Shmony Gru” is one of the loudest snorers on earth.
• When playing poker against a “professional amateur,” bet conservatively.
• Blackjack is way more fun when the entire table is all friends; in other words, when there are no random strangers to make awkward small talk with.
• Despite what some people may claim, you do not ALWAYS double-down on 11.
• A good friend of mine whose name rhymes with “Meve Dopleff” is never allowed to make me a gin and tonic again.
• S’mores pancakes are as delicious as they sound.  Actually, all of the food we ate at Harrah’s was quite good.
• Last-minute roulette bets that help you win back all of the money you previously lost are VERY much appreciated.
• A good friend of mine whose name rhymes with “Ken Grfulavitch” still doesn’t know thewords to the last verse of Ice, Ice Baby.

I think that’s about all I can say without putting myself in jeopardy with any of the attendees, other than to say good times were had by all, and that, with the above exceptions, what happened in Atlantic City will remain in Atlantic City.

First off, let’s watch this exchange from one of last night’s 30 Rock episodes. Sorry, Sam, but this is pretty funny.

While we’re on the subject of former alma maters, it turns out that – even though I’m just discovering this now – Bill Murray was not only at a Cornell football game last fall, but he was there the EXACT SAME WEEKEND that we were there! How did I not know this? How is this possible? Why couldn’t we have bumped into him at Collegetown Bagels or Wegmans or something? That would have been the single greatest thing ever! I will regret this near-miss for years to come, but at least I have this video of Mr. Murray conducting the Big Red Band to cheer me up.

To cap things off, we have this video that’s been making the interweb rounds – it’s a re-imagined opening sequence for AMC’s zombie show The Walking Dead, mashed up with the theme from Growing Pains. It’s brilliant.

I’ve loved my 3DS from the moment I got my hands on it.  It’s a great portable with a lot of really fun applications, and I had a great time playing through Ocarina of Time again, only this time… in the third dimension! Of course it’s no secret that the initial months of the handheld’s release were pretty lackluster, with not many other must-have games besides Ocarina.  But that all changed over the past few months.

First, Nintendo provided the system with a massive software update, which included, among other things, the ability to record 3D video, along with an impressive amount of new content to the StreetPass games that originally came included with the system. It might not seem like much, but let me tell you, these games are addicting.  There are 7 new Nintendo-themed puzzles in Puzzle Swap, and these are much harder to complete than the original 7.  Then there’s Find Mii II, the sequel to the original Find Mii game, where you have to use Mii’s that you collect from other people to rescue your Mii that has been kidnapped by ghosts.  It may sound like pure lunacy to the uninitiated, but if you’re like me and are obsessed with collecting as many hats as possible for your Mii to wear, this is a huge addition to the system.

But the Big N didn’t stop there – they also released two AAA titles in rapid succession of each other, Super Mario 3D Land and Mario Kart 7.  Both of these games are insanely fun, and the fact that they both came out so close to each other means that you can go back and forth between the two games if either one has you stuck on a tough level.  I’d been on a bit of a Mario 3D Land kick lately, and I was finally able to get through the first 8 Worlds, while collecting all of the Star Coins along the way.  Now I just have to tackle the 8 remaining Special worlds. The game has been a total blast to play, as it somehow is able to blend the styles of the New Super Mario Bros. games with that of the Super Mario Galaxy series. The result is straight-forward mechanics, fun power-ups, and levels that are simple to get through, but made more challenging if you want to find every secret as you go. And there was also a brilliantly done psych-out that reminded me of the great ending of SMB3. (Remember when video games had fun screwing with you, before there was an internet full of spoilers?)

There’s never been a bad Mario Kart game, and MK7 continues the tradition of great tracks and fast-paced action.  The game has introduced the ability to drive underwater and to sail through the air with gliders, which are both used to great effect.  There are also plenty of little shortcuts to be found along the way, which harkens back to the old days of the franchise and make things really interesting in close races.  So far I’ve gotten Gold medals in the 50cc and 100cc classes, and am so far struggling with the tougher 150cc races. I’m loving the game so far, but I do wish that there were more characters available from the get go. And why does the Mii character sound like a disfigured Toad-Yoshi hybrid? And this is a more general gripe, but I wish the series would go back to having five tracks in every cup like there were in Super Mario Kart, instead of the now standard four.

But the greatest thing about both of these new games is how well they use the 3D to enhance the gameplay.  Naysayers had cried foul that the 3D effect was just a gimmick that wouldn’t make much of a difference in how the games were played.  And that was true in Ocarina, which was originally a 2D game that had been retrofitted with 3D effects.  The 3D in Ocarina is definitely cool, but it didn’t really “do” anything. That’s less true in Mario Kart 7, where the added depth helps players get a better sense of where things are on the track. But the 3D is used to maximum effect in Super Mario 3D Land, where certain puzzles and levels would be much tougher to get through if you had the 3D turned off.

All in all, I have once again found myself with a Nintendo handheld system that makes my commute infinitely more fun. And while I’m looking forward to the next batch of games for the 3DS, I’m also sure that I’ll be hunting for hats, puzzle pieces, Star Coins, and every last kart unlockable for the foreseeable future. And really, what more could a guy ask for?

There are many tragedies surrounding the capsizing of the Italian cruise liner Costa Concordia last Friday.  In addition to the confirmed deaths and the many people still missing, the fact that the ship’s captain left his post before the evacuation was finished has many people up in arms, rightfully so.  (His claim that he “tripped and fell into a lifeboat” only serve to add fuel to the fire.)

But now there are reports that male crew members were shoving their way past women, elderly, and screaming young children, as they raced to save themselves.

So what’s more shocking: that it was these crew members’ jobs to protect their passengers, and instead they protected themselves?  Or the fact that any semblance of chivalry, or even basic civility, was cast aside in the panic?

To me, what’s horrific about these reports has little to do with gender – it would be just as awful if female crew members were shoving their way past elderly men and young boys during the evacuations.  What’s so sad about this is that people who were in a position to help those in need of assistance chose to only help themselves.

It should be noted, of course, that there very well may be plenty of stories out there about the ship’s crew members doing an upstanding job of helping people to safety and saving lives that are simply not getting any media attention.

But after reading about “totally incompetent“  crew members, or that the crew were telling passengers to relax and have a drink, and that they had no idea how to operate the life boats, it’s hard to not be slightly outraged and what was happening as the ship was going under.

The chivalrous thing to do in that situation, the civil thing to do, the RIGHT thing to do, is to get the passengers to the life boats and make sure the evacuation proceeds smoothly and orderly.  You can make the argument that the whole “women and children first” policy is outdated and even sexist, and maybe it is.  But wanting to save the lives of small children is just common sense.  Self-preservation is a powerful instinct, and sure, nobody can really predict how they would act in such a dire situation.

But if you shoved your way past a child screaming “i don’t want to die,” to get on a life boat, you might guarantee your survival.  But how would you be able to live with yourself if you found out that the family you ran past and didn’t bother to help didn’t make it?

It’s been a while since we finished the first season of Friday Night Lights, but Courtney and I finally got through the shorter second and third seasons.  And despite the fact that it took us a while to get through this batch of episodes, I can say that the show is still amazing and addictive.

Season Two was an entertaining follow-up to the first season, but it suffered from two main flaws: the writer’s strike shutting it down halfway through all of it’s major story arcs, and the atrociously terrible Landry-and-Tyra-kill-a-guy storyline.  Very little about their cover-up made sense, was believable, or realistic.  Coach Taylor’s departure from TMU and return to Dillon seemed like a given, but it was still entertaining to watch it all unfold.  And they seemed to be setting up a future confrontation between Taylor and the ousted Coach McGregor at the end of the season, though the writer’s strike presumably put an end to those plans.  (I suppose it could still happen at some point in seasons 4 or 5.)  I also would have liked to have seen Lyla’s new-found spirituality wane as her attraction to Riggins was too much temptation for her to bear, but that also seemed inevitable.  The most interesting character in season 2 was Matt; watching him get burned by Julie, fight with Smash, and unravel after Carlotta left made for some brutal TV, and I mean that in a good way.

Season Three did a commendable job of picking up as best as they could with the unfinished threads that were left dangling because of the strike.  They were able to give Smash and Jason Street the proper send-offs they deserved, even if some other stories were never addressed, like Buddy taking in that Santiago kid, or how Tami ended up as principal.  The arrival of the McCoy family led to some great moments, and I liked how they showed that life wasn’t as wonderful as everyone imagined it would be for whiz-kid JD.  The end of the season was truly amazing – it wasn’t easy to see the Panthers lose, but it was the more realistic way for the story to go.  And watching Eric lose his job after working so hard to keep it was also rough, but it did a great job of illustrating just how important high school football is to this town; if they don’t win it all, heads will roll.  I felt like it was a little bit of a cop-out to keep Matt in Dillon instead of going off to college like Lyla and Tyra, but I guess the writers felt that losing two major characters would be an easier pill for viewers to swallow than letting three go.  Either way, the challenge of Eric coaching the new East Dillon high school’s football team had me eager to get started on season four.

Today, Eli turns two.  And I really can’t get over it.

Judging from the picture above, neither can he.  (That’s him sitting on his first present, a new chair, while opening another present, an Elmo book he can read in said chair.)

A year ago, I marveled at all of Eli’s changes on his first birthday.  He changed so much in that first year, but then he went and did it again this past year.

Eli, you are the most amazing and wonderful person I’ve ever met, and you constantly blow me away with all you do.  You’re smart, sweet, cuter than anything, and really really funny!  Part of me wants you to stay just like this forever, while another part of me can’t wait to see what kind of a person you’ll grow into.  Of course, I don’t really have a say in the matter – time marches on.  But every single day with you is a blessing, and I love you more than you know.

Happy Birthday, Eli!

After much, much, MUCH too much deliberation, I finally reached a decision – I was going to get the iPhone 4S. Why? Because I really love the iTunes interface, I’d still be able to access my Google mail/calendar/contacts, I’d have access to the best designed apps, and not insignificantly, it’s $100 cheaper than the 4G alternatives. (How crazy is it that the iPhone is now one of the cheaper phones on the market?)

The 16GB model (I’d love more storage space, but I’m too cheap to spring for it) retails for $200, and since it’s been two years since my last upgrade, I was eligible for a $100 discount. Logging on to the Verizon website, I saw that there was a $30 “loyalty discount” I was eligible for, too! Bonus! That would make the newest iPhone only $70 – that’s one sweet deal. Although I didn’t see the $100 discount listed on the site, I was assured by a customer service rep I’d be reimbursed for that after I bought the phone. I was ready to buy it, but with the delayed shipping dates online, I figured it would be faster to just go into a store to buy it.

But when I got to the store, the employee there casually informed me that I was only eligible for the $30 discount. NOT the $100 discount.

Apparently, Verizon’s “New Every Two” program had been done away with.

A year ago.

Oops.

Well, now I was at least convinced that not going with a $300 4G phone was the right choice; I had been operating under the assumption that it would really only cost $200 out of pocket, which I was willing to spend. But $270 for a phone? No thanks.

And the more I thought about it, $170 for an iPhone that I wasn’t super crazy about didn’t make much more sense either.

Then there’s the fact that, for reasons I can’t begin to understand or explain, the Droid that I’ve been using/bitching about for the past few months has all of a sudden started working much better. (It knew I was getting serious about replacing it, maybe?)  The battery life isn’t amazing, but it doesn’t drain nearly as fast as it was.  The apps still give me agita and the phone can be awfully slow at times, but it isn’t driving me to madness anymore, at least for the time being.

So I’m going to wait.  According to internet rumors (and when have THOSE ever been wrong?) the iPhone 5 will come out later this year, and it will run on 4G networks, and have an amazing camera, and be totally redesigned, and basically be the greatest thing to ever be invented.  Or maybe another phone will come out that will blow the iPhone away.  Whatever.  We’ll see what happens, but for now, I’ll play the waiting game…

But for their 50th anniversary, the Boys are Back!

Surviving members Brian Wilson, Mike Love, Al Jardine, Bruce Johnston, and David Marks will kick off a 50-show reunion this spring, playing around the country and presumably the globe. No tour locations/dates have been set yet beyond the kickoff at the New Orleans Jazz Festival, but it seems like a safe bet they’ll end up somewhere in the greater New York metro area. (Hopefully.)

And that’s not all! Not only are they going on tour, they’re also reuniting for a new album! They’ve re-recorded (appropriately enough) “Do It Again,” and judging from the below video, they all still sound great, half a century after first recording “Surfin’ Safari.”

Long live The Beach Boys!

Happy New Year, loyal readers!  I haven’t written anything all year (ba dum bum), so I’ve got a handful of random thoughts to share with y’all from the past week plus.  Here goes:

So Eli is really into Thomas the Tank Engine, and I don’t get it.  The train cars themselves are sentient and conscious, but they still have drivers?  Who controls who?  What’s the point of having living train cars if they still need drivers?  Sir Topham Hatt needs to run a tighter operation over there on the Isle of Sodor.

Also, it occurs to me that one day Eli will hear a George Carlin routine and not understand why the narrator from his Thomas movies is using such dirty language.

And speaking of things that are pretty bizarre, we had on Back to the Future the other night, and I remembered something that always bugged me about the movie; even after George knocks out Biff, there’s ANOTHER bully that grabs Lorraine on the dance floor, that redhead kid with the creepy laugh (pictured above). Just mere moments after Biff was pawing Lorraine crazy in the parking lot, this other guy is forcing her to “dance” with him. I mean, Christ, how many rapists were in the Hill Valley High Class of ‘55?

We took a road trip to Sesame Place, and in spite of the cold, Eli had an amazing time. Between the rides, the slides, the characters, the bouncy play areas, and the shows, there was basically everything an Elmo-aficionado such as himself could have wanted. There was just one thing that struck me as odd – in the live Elmo’s World, the holiday of Hanukkah was explained by… Santa. I mean, he did a good job of setting the story, but it just seemed like a strange choice to have the patron saint of Christmas tell the tale of the Maccabees.

I finally got in a little bit of time with The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. I love it, though I know it’s going to be a very long time before I actually beat the damn thing.

We finally saw Cars 2, and I have to agree with the general consensus that it just wasn’t up to par with the normal Pixar level of excellence. It wasn’t bad or anything, I laughed multiple times, and it is pretty cool that they went in a completely different direction for the sequel. But Mater is a pretty one-note character (he’s dumb – get it?!), and the big mystery of who was behind the evil plot was pretty obvious to anyone who ever saw a single Bond movie. But my biggest complaint was that there was no real “heart,” which is what the Pixar movies are known for. Oh well – it was still entertaining, and I’m sure Eli will love it eventually.

We spent New Year’s Eve with some really adorable kids that talked like adults. I love that. Here are some things that the various kids (ages 5-9, give or take) said to me throughout the evening:
“I don’t know why, but anything that goes fast, like cars, trains, trucks, planes, rockets, I just love ‘em!”
“So, tell me about yourself. Do you have any cousins?”
“Have you ever seen the movie Star Wars?”
“How old is your mom?” (I answer) “Is she well?”

The more I listen to The Muppets soundtrack, the more I love it.

I am blown away by how quickly Eli has picked up on how to use our iPod touch (and Mommy’s new iPad) – he can turn it on, unlock it, pick the game he wants to play, and do it, only occasionally needing help from one if us. It’s a fairly intuitive interface, but still, watching him swipe pictures to get to the next one is pretty fun to watch. But that’s nothing, because he actually CHANGED THE BACKGROUND PICTURE of himself on the iPod. Yeah, really. We had an old picture on there, and Courtney said a while back she was going to update it. I turned it on, and noticed that there was a newer shot on there, and I complimented her on her choice. But she told me she didn’t do it, and she thought I did. Apparently, Eli took matters into his own hands, and picked one of his own personal favorites. Which, incidentally, is a solo shot of him, replacing a picture of him with Sherlock. Hey, he knows he’s a star, and he doesn’t feel like sharing the spotlight!

Hope everyone has a great 2012!