It isn’t a rhetorical question. Why doesn’t the Long Island Rail Road have a quiet car? A “quiet car,” if it isn’t immediately obvious, is a car of the train where cell phone calls, loud conversations, and other assorted forms of noisiness are prohibited. It exists for the commuters that want to read, sleep, or just exist in some quiet on their ride to and from work.

It isn’t a new idea – Amtrak and some New Jersey Transit and Philadelphia Commuter Rail lines have experimented with the concept, and it has been debated being instituted on Metro North trains.

So why not the LIRR?

I know I can not be the only person who gets sick of people screaming about their days, complaining to their assistants about their train being late when it is totally on time, or those folks with super annoying ringtones set to the highest possible volume who just don’t feel like answering.

And it isn’t just cell phones either. People sometimes ride the train with friends, and they like to chat on the way in. Nothing wrong with that! Except of course when the people decide it would be better to sit a few rows from each other. Or when they are drunk and have lost the ability to control their vocal volume.

And I understand the importance of the train announcements, but for those of us who regularly take the train, we don’t need to be told 48 times to change at Jamaica, or that off peak tickets will be required to pay an additional step-up fare.

And what about the people who play their music so loud that they can’t have both headphones in at once? Why not just turn it down???

OK, so I officially sound like an old curmudgeon now, I know. But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

The thing about quiet cars is that they could by and large be self-policed. By doing something as simple as posting a few signs and turning down the lights, they could encourage the considerate people who want to make some business calls or talk to their fellow riders to sit in another car. As for the inconsiderate ones, who are the real problem anyway, I have to think after several glares and being shushed repeatedly, they would rather be in a different car. Would the conductors occasionally have to chastise an unruly passenger? Probably. But I just can’t see that getting in the way of making the trains run on or close to schedule. And hey, if the conductors can’t be bothered, I’m sure this guy would be happy to keep people in line.

So why not start a pilot program? See how it goes. If it’s a disaster, hey, no harm, no foul. But I am quite confident that it would be a huge success, and that people would love it. The quiet car wouldn’t be for everyone – hell, sometimes I like to make calls on the train, and I would be happy to ride in a ‘regular’ car on those occasions. But for the people who do appreciate some peace and quiet on their commute, it would make for an infinitely nicer commute.

Notice the pocket on Eli’s left leg.

Exhibit B:

There are two pockets clearly visible, but trust me, there are more.

Exhibit C:

There is not one, but THREE pockets in Eli’s overalls.

And do you know what’s in these pockets?

NOTHING.

You know why there’s nothing in Eli’s pockets?

BECAUSE HE’S A BABY.

What kinds of things do you keep in your pockets?  Cell phone.  Wallet.  Keys.  Eli has none of those things.  Neither do most of his contemporaries.

So why on Earth do clothes designed for such young babies come with multiple pockets???

Of course, I ask this question rhetorically.  I know full damn well why baby clothes come with pockets.  It’s the same reason that baby clothes come with buttons and buckles that don’t work, and why they make shoes for kids far too young to walk.

Because they’re “adorable.”

The cute designs are one thing, those I get.  True, Eli doesn’t know who Batman is, but that Exhibit B outfit sure is awesome.  The design is practical in the sense that I, as his parent, like it.

But pockets so small they couldn’t hold a pacifier?  Or faux flies that don’t open for kids in diapers?  Come on.  I just picture someone in a sweatshop stitching together all of these things and wondering what the hell someone so tiny can possibly do with them.

Eh, I talk big, but I’m clearly not helping matters, as I keep on dressing Eli in these clothes, full of extra accessories that he cannot possibly utilize.

But what the hell.

They are pretty adorable.

None of us would be happy if we didn’t have remote controls. Even thinking of a time when people had to actually stand up and walk towards their TVs to change the channel or lower the volume is almost painful.

Now we have multiple devices with multiple remote controls; sometimes they can all be consolidated with a universal remote, but usually that can be somewhat frustrating, because the universal is missing one or two important functions that the original remote had, requiring you to keep the original remote close by.

And sure, there are plenty of remote control buttons that your average user will never use. But you know what button seems totally and completely pointless to me?

The DVD Open/Close button.

Because when you want to insert a disc into your DVD player, you have to be standing next to the machine to do it. You can’t just throw the DVD from your couch and have it land in the open tray. And if you can, well, you’re far more coordinated than I.

So the DVD open/close button on the remote is far from essential. When you want to insert or eject a Digital Video/Versatile Disc, having to hit the button on the actual DVD player is no big deal. Right?

Not according to Chuck! See, my stepfather feels that this button is ESSENTIAL on a remote control. I have actually watched him stand by the DVD player, walk to the couch to hit the open button on the remote, only to then walk BACK to the player to put in the disc. The purpose of remotes in general is to make life simpler. So how is making an unnecessary trip any easier???

Chuck, I tease because I love. And as long as you keep getting flummoxed by remotes, I will be there to help you understand them… and to keep trying to explain a simpler way to load and eject movies.

Every December, a ton of “Best of the Year” lists pop up everywhere, and they can get old pretty quick, but I’m digging the “Best of the Decade” lists that I’ve been seeing lately. So I figured I’d jump on that particular bandwagon, and so I now present my list of some of the best pop culture trends of the past ten years.

Funny Music from Artists Besides Weird Al
Don’t get me wrong – my obsession with Weird Al Yankovic, the king of parodies and musical comedy, is still strong as ever. And he had a great decade in his own right, with the fantastic albums Poodle Hat and Straight Outta Lynwood, as well as his several Internet Leaks songs and videos. But he also had some competition in the funny music department. Tenacious D’s first album is side-splittingly funny. Though the movie and its soundtrack were less hilarious than they could have been, the genius of their first batch of songs more than makes up for it.

Then there’s Andy Samberg and his Lonely Island crew. The videos for Lazy Sunday, D*ck in a Box, I’m On a Boat, and others are brilliant in their lyrics and their visuals, and the digital shorts have been some of the best stuff on Saturday Night Live in recent years.

And who could forget the brilliance of Flight of the Conchords? Their two seasons on HBO, their two albums, and their EP were full of catchy, quotable, fantastic, and hysterical songs. I cried a little bit (on the inside) when I heard the show was officially done. Hopefully they’ll keep putting out music into the next decade.

The Renaissance of the Serialized Drama
The aughts may be remembered as the decade when hour-long, serialized dramas came back with a major vengeance. The best of the bunch has to be Lost – a show that not only blows your mind every week, but it has you obsessing in between episodes, talking over theories and trying to guess what it all means. The season 1 and 3 finales are two of my personal favorites in a standout series.

While the writing may not be as strong at 24 as it is on Lost, it’s still an extremely entertaining show, and it’s made Jack Bauer an instant kick ass pop icon. Sure, it’s cheesy when he screams “Dammit, we’re running out of time!” yet again, but it’s hard to resist the show’s real-time Die Hard feel. Then there’s Smallville, which has gotten much better at telling long stories over multiple episodes instead of just relying on freak-of-the-week episodes. And Fringe straddles the line of stand alone episodes with a greater mythology, and so far has been doing a great job of both. I also have high hopes for FlashForward and V, but it will remain to be seen how well those shows pay off long arcs, but they’re both off to good starts.

Even when theses kinds of shows haven’t worked all that well (Dollhouse, Terminator, Heroes) or when they were good concepts that were canceled too soon (Eli Stone), it’s still good that network executives are giving their audience some credit, understanding that we have patience, and can appreciate the kind of story-telling where everything isn’t all wrapped up in a tidy package in 42 minutes.

There is a great, albeit very long article about this topic at GQ.com with the guys from Bad Robot – I recommend it if you have a half-hour to kill.

Sit-coms Are Amazing Again!
It wasn’t just hour-long dramas that rocked the decade; the sit-com was reintroduced as a medium of clever comedies, and not just full of pratfalls and one-dimensional characters. Arrested Development was able to use bad puns, sight gags, kissing cousins, and The Final Countdown to great effect for powerful belly laughs. The British version of The Office gave us an amazing new brand of painful and awkward humor that would live on in the American series, as well as Ricky Gervais’ show Extras. 30 Rock is written so brilliantly and the jokes come so fast I find myself having to constantly rewind back to listen to jokes again. How I Met Your Mother gave a new twist to the story of urban singles looking for love. And we got 8 great years of Scrubs – even if Season 9 leaves a little to be desired.

The Superhero Is Cool Again
It seems like ages ago, but there was a time in the not-so-distant past that superhero movies weren’t really anything to get that excited about. Then in a single decade, we got four fantastic films in the genre: Superman Returns, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and Iron Man. (I know I’m going to get mocked for making those the ones I single out… but I just can’t get behind Spider-man. I tried, really, I did. And I enjoyed X-Men and X2, but I don’t know if they were amazing.) Too often, superhero movies were considered formulaic drivel, and could be released, hated, and forgotten about quickly. But the aughts made them not only bankable hits, but films that both nerds and critics agreed were actually good. I’ve defended Superman Returns so many times I’ve lost count, so I’ll just make this quick – it had its fans, and its share of people who hated it, but I loved it, so it goes on *MY* list, OK? The rebooted Batman films were also incredible, and they made that world so dark and believable it’s hard to not be foaming at the mouth for more sequels. And even though I knew nothing about Iron Man, I thoroughly enjoyed that film as well. Sure there have been some bad superhero movies in the past ten years, but the good ones were so great, it almost doesn’t matter.

The Apatow Movie Method
If some strange pop culture villain put a gun to my head and demanded I name the funniest movie of the past ten years, it’s a safe bet that I’d answer Superbad. I was laughing out loud a lot when we first saw that flick, and every time I’ve watched it since, I have the same reaction. That’s impressive considering I know the jokes that are coming. I also feel similarly about Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up, and The 40-Year Old Virgin. And Anchorman and Talladega Nights and Walk Hard and any movie that had Apatow’s name attached to was guaranteed to be at least funnier than your average comedy. Of course, Judd himself didn’t always have much to do with every all of the above movies, but his influence can be felt in them – and others where he had no involvement whatsoever, like I Love You, Man; there are outrageous moments, painful moments, and things that are ridiculous enough to make you laugh so hard your stomach hurts, but they still keep themselves grounded in such a way that you buy what’s happening. Movie comedies will probably continue to evolve, but these movies will always make me laugh.

The Pixar Streak
So much has already been said about the brilliance of the Pixar movies, but here it goes anyway: The folks at Pixar are geniuses, and each and every one of their flicks have been funny, beautiful to watch, and full of great characters and stories. Two of the greatest films of the decade in my humble opinion are WALL·E and Up, neither of which sounded like a home-run concept, but were both executed flawlessly. Sure there are other companies doing similar kinds of animation, but those movies always just fail to impress me with their stories, and often times they are so full of timely references that the jokes will be out dated in a few years. Courtney and I have been watching a DVR’d collection of Pixar shorts, and even the company’s short films are crafted with amazing precision and humor. I sure hope my kids love these movies, because I know I’ll enjoy watching them too.

Nintendo Changes Video Gaming
I’m a Nintendo fanboy – always have been, always will be. And I loved the GameCube and the Game Boy Advance. But what Nintendo pulled off with the Wii and the Nintendo DS is truly incredible. Video-gaming is no longer just associated with nerds playing alone in dark basements – it’s now something that the whole family can do together, something that parents don’t dread if their kids want to do, and it’s even something that women actually enjoy. (And are not just pretending to enjoy for the sake of their boyfriends or husbands.) Wii Sports isn’t my favorite game personally, but I love watching people who have never held a game controller pick it up and play with ease. Wii Fit is a really fun way to exercise at home. The latest iterations of the classic franchises have all been fantastic: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Paper Mario, Mario Kart Wii, Super Mario Galaxy, and New Super Mario Bros. Wii are all incredible games, as are their counterparts on the DS. (I just beat the first dungeon in The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks this morning – it’s really fun so far!)

Sure Nintendo has room for improvement – better online capability, HD graphics, etc. But the fact of the matter is what they are doing now works, and it works well, and it works well for a huge chunk of the population.

Better, Clearer, Faster
High definition television. DVR. Portable players that let us watch movies, TV shows, and carry tons of music and photos, too. It’s pretty amazing that when we started this decade, those things weren’t common, and now it’s hard to imagine life without them. It sounds like a sweeping statement, but it isn’t, really. Try to go through a week without using your DVR. Or switch back to a standard definition TV. You’ll be going out of your mind in a week. What are you going to do, record your favorite shows with a VCR? Seriously.

And remember when you had to carry a discman with you to listen to music on the go? You looked strange wearing headphones, and you could only listen to one album at a time! Now you can carry thousands of songs in your cell phone.

And remember dial-up? When it would take a half hour to load a 30 second video clip? Now you can watch entire episodes of TV shows or whole movies on your laptop – or even on your TV – that load in seconds.

It’s hard to imagine so much has happened in ten years, and it’s even crazier that in December 2019, we’ll be looking back at all of this stuff as quaint and old-fashioned.

On December 17, 1989, the face of television changed forever, as the first episode of The Simpsons aired. It was a half-hour episode featuring a crudely animated family struggling to make their Christmas memorable. Few people would have imagined then that in two decades time, the show would still be profitable.

I won’t pontificate on how The Simpsons have changed the TV landscape, as it’s all been said before; they gave new life to the fledgling Fox network, they pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable in primetime (although what was controversial then is incredibly tame by today’s standards), they inspired numerous other animated shows targeted at older audiences, and of course they created a huge empire in their own right, full of world-famous characters and catch-phrases.

When I think of The Simpsons turning 20, I reflect on how big a role the show has played in my life. It’s easily my favorite TV show of all-time – there are a lot of other great shows that I love and obsess over, but nothing has been more consistent for me than The Simpsons. I’ve been watching the show religiously since I was 10. Since I was 10! That’s quite a streak. Other than playing video games, I can’t think of anything else that has been such a regular part of my life for so long. Hell, I met all of my childhood friends that I’m still in touch with after I met The Simpsons.

I’m fairly obsessive in my fandom, although of course there are far more uber-nerds out there. I’ve seen all 449 episodes of the show, from the very best (Cape Feare, Itchy and Scratchy Land) to the worst episode ever (The Computer Wore Menace Shoes), and I have always made it a point not to miss the latest show. In college, I would get to the TV lounge early on Sunday nights to make sure no one else would even attempt to put on another channel. And my parents who liked to call on Sunday nights were forbidden from checking in when The Simpsons were on. I even was known to watch four episodes of repeat episodes in a row; Ithaca picked up both the Fox Binghamton and Fox Syracuse stations, and one would air 2 shows form 6-7pm, and the other from 7-8pm. (Of course, that was only on special occasions, and this fact in no way negatively influenced my grades.”) Clint and I had a whole Sunday night ritual before settling in for Futurama, Simpsons, and The X-Files. When I would visit Courtney on weekends at Cornell, I would stay late on Sundays to watch the show with her and Mehler and Deej, even though it meant me getting back home at some unholy hour, while everyone else was still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. When I was a Page at Saturday Night Live and I would get home at 11am on Sundays after being awake for over 24 hours, I’d sleep straight through until Monday morning – except to get up and watch The Simpsons.

But it’s not just the way I’d schedule my life. The Simpsons also has affected the way I speak. I remember once a friend at work commented that she and her friends once spoke in nothing but Simpsons quotes for an entire meal. I responded that my friends and I did the same thing, only for all four years of college. Honestly, how often did we say things like “I’m gonna allow this,” and “They have the internet on computers now” and even “Eeont?” For the non-members of D.U.M.B., “eeont” was the sound of the football hitting Hans Moleman in the groin in the Springfield Film Festival. We weren’t even quoting a LINE from the show, but a freaking sound effect! (For anyone wondering, yes, we did drive away the ladies en masse with our Simpsons speak.)

And my obsession with the show wasn’t merely a teen/college phase. It’s easier now with DVR and my Archos, but I still never miss a new episode. I still get all of the DVD’s and listen to all of the commentaries and watch every single piece of bonus footage. Nick and I went to see a midnight showing of The Simpsons Movie when it first came out, and I then saw it again that night with D.U.M.B. I still name all of my video-game characters Thrillho. I still quote random Simpsons moments to people who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, as I tell them that something is a perfectly cromulent word, I complain about paying the Homer tax, and I ask where I can get some of these placebos. (Did you catch the few quotes/paraphrased quotes I threw into this post?)

Fox is airing a big 20th anniversary special next year, and they are releasing Season 20 on DVD even though they haven’t yet released Seasons 13-19. (Check out this new and updated poster jam-packed with characters that will accompany the Season 20 DVD.) The show has been renewed to go through a 22nd season, but it’s hard to imagine the show ever going after the air. I know that will be a sad day, not just for Comic Book Guy nerds, but for television fans everywhere.

So Happy Birthday, Simpsons! What are some of your favorite memories/episodes/quotes from the show?

So, there is no way for me to write this post and NOT be accused of being a pompous jerk, but whatever, here it goes anyway.

Every now and again, someone will refer to a non Ivy League school as an Ivy League institution. They don’t mean anything malicious about it, they just have their denotations and connotations mixed up. So now, once and for all, allow me to set the record straight.

The Ivy League is an athletic conference of eight colleges. Those schools are Cornell University, Brown University, Columbia University, Dartmouth College, Harvard University, Princeton University, University of Pennsylvania, and Yale University. The organization was formally founded in February, 1954 as a way to organize the schools’ athletic schedules. (Although the history of the association between these 8 schools goes back even farther – I’m just doing the abbreviated version of the history here.

That, my friends is the denotation of the Ivy League – what it really and specifically means. It is all about athletics, and not about education.

But see, the term has been more or less co-opted by its connotation, which is that the schools are prestigious, and exclusive institutions, which they are, more or less. (COUGHBROWNCOUGHCOUGH)

Let’s be honest – the connotation is pretty fair – these eight institutions are known for being tough to get accepted into and their demanding curricula. In the 2010 US News and World Report ranking of the best national universities, all 8 Ivy schools are ranked in the top twenty. The top 3 are all Ivies; Harvard and Princeton tied for first, with Yale close behind them.

So clearly, there’s a reason why when people hear the words “Ivy League,” they think of a highly respected school.

But this leads to a blurry line between the denotation and the connotation, which causes some people to think that if the Ivy League is simply a name for good colleges, that a whole host of other schools should be in the Ivy League. Take numbers 4 and 5 of the US News ranking, Cal Tech and MIT. There is absolutely no doubt that these are amazing schools, both known for being tough to get into and tough to survive once you’re there. A degree from either school is sure to impress friends, families, and potential employers for the rest of the graduate’s life.

But Cal Tech and MIT are not in the Ivy League. Not because they’re not good enough, or because they don’t “deserve” to be, or for any reason whatsoever having to do with their reputation or academics. They are simply not in the athletic conference known as the Ivy League.

It’s really quite straightforward, but man, do people get pissed off when you try to explain this. You hear a lot of things like, “Of course Stanford is in the Ivy League – it’s an amazing school!” Yes, it is an amazing school, but it is not in the athletic conference of the Ivy League. “Well, it *should* be in the Ivy League!”

Sigh.

Saying that a college *should* be in the Ivy League is simply a preposterous statement. That’s basically like saying that the LA Angels are such a great team, they should be in the National League Eastern Division. Or that I am so attractive and talented, I should be Miss Teen Black USA. Or that Australia is such an important nation, it should be in the European Union.

But these conversations won’t ever stop. People are always going to say that any number of other colleges and universities are now currently or should someday be part of the Ivy League. When the correct definition of the Ivy League is offered up, it will then always inevitably lead to complaints of arrogance and snobbery. But to anyone who has been frustrated by having this conversation with someone who just doesn’t get it, remember:

The person who is getting so angry at you can’t help their irrational reaction. They clearly didn’t go to an Ivy league school, after all.

It’s a question every Star Wars nerd has debated, and I still have some time to worry about it, but this is something I really need to start considering:

How should I expose my kid/kids to Star Wars?

The obvious answer is to start with Episode IV (the original film for any non-geeks). It just makes sense to expose the next generation of fans in the same way that we first learned about the goings on of a galaxy far, far away. In other words: Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, and then we can go back and watch the prequel trilogy. My feeling has always been that instead of doing it just IV, V, VI, I, II, III, the ideal way to show the movies to a newbie would be IV, V, VI, I, II, III, IV, V, VI; re-watching the original trilogy (let’s call it OT to simplify) after watching the prequel trilogy (PT) helps put the whole saga into a greater context.

The main arguments for starting with the OT and not the PT are that the OT are simply better movies, and that by seeing the PT first, the emotional wallop of “No… *I* am your father” is completely lost. Well, probably not completely lost, but considerably softened.

But in all fairness, let’s just look at some of the other options.

I could show my child(ren) the PT first, and then move on to the OT. The arguments for this method is that then the kids are being exposed to the events in chronological order, which quite frankly is easier to understand. Now, of course my kids will be super geniuses and be able to understand the concept of “These movies all take place BEFORE those other movies we saw,” but if they are very young, going in order may make more sense.

The other main reason I might want to start with the PT is that Episode I was truly made for kids. Now I know what you’re thinking – they were all made for kids! The OT was specifically designed for the kid in everyone! It’s a classic fairy tale! Kids LOVE the Ewoks! Well, that’s all true, but I just can’t shake the feeling that the OT was made for slightly older kids, say around 10 or so. Whereas Episode I, with Jar Jar and the pod race and the droid army, was made for the very young set, say around age 5.

The main issue with getting the kid hooked on Ep. I is that in just two movies, we’re getting to some dark stuff. Ep. III has some moments that could be downright frightening for a very young kid, and I wouldn’t want to terrify my child so much that he or she is afraid to watch the OT, which, despite its share of dark moments, is nowhere near as dark as Ep. III.

Then there’s the whole pacing issue. I love the original movie as much as anyone, and for me it doesn’t feel slow, but in all objectivity, it does move a bit slower than the PT. I’m not saying it as a bad thing, but if my child is also exposed to other, more modern movies, might the slower pacing of Ep. IV be a turn-off? I know that I have tried to watch older movies that my parents have told me were amazing classics, but the incredulously slow pacing bored me out of my skull, and I just couldn’t get past it. (Raging Bull and Deer Hunter spring to mind as examples.) And naturally, I want my child to fall in love with Star Wars right away, which shouldn’t be a problem if we can make it to Luke staring out at the twin setting suns.

The other possibility would be to start off with the animated series The Clone Wars. Now that movie and TV show are, unquestionably, geared to a young audience, and kids really seem to love it. In Queens, we lived right by an elementary school, and I saw a ton of kids with Clone Wars backpacks and lunchboxes and things. So even though it lacks the context of the larger saga, if that’s a good entry-point into the Star Wars universe, surely there’s no harm in that, right?

What do you guys think?

(P.S. Speaking of Star Wars, check out this page of Star Wars status updates on Facebook – funny stuff.

Allow me to explain. In our house, we have an attic. But the only way to get in there is via a tiny entrance in a closet in one of the bedrooms. It’s not very convenient, so we want to have some attic stairs installed. The things you pull down from the ceiling, and then you can walk up. You know, something like this:

This is a pretty important job, because until it’s done, we can’t really store much stuff in the attic. And since we want to put the stairs in Baby’s room, we kind of wanted to get this job done before we start painting and getting the rest of the room ready, since there will likely be one hell of a mess created by cutting a whole in the ceiling.

I’ve never claimed to be terribly handy, and while there are some jobs I’m willing to try on my own, I’m not about to go ahead and do this one myself. This is the kind of thing I’m going to have to pay a professional for. Now, I’ve heard horror stories that take place during large renovations, when repairs go on for way too long and cost way more than originally expected. But this is a fairly simple and straightforward job, so I shouldn’t have to worry about anything like that. Right?

Well, the first thing we did was go to this website called ServiceMagic, where you put in what kind of job you need, and they pair you up with responsible, licensed contractors. Or so they claim. We got three referrals from them, and each of the 3 contractors gave us an estimate. One was way too expensive. One was suspiciously cheap. But the one in the middle was juuuuuuuuust right.

That was easy, right? Not quite.

See, this fella had his license number printed on his business card. And that made me think to myself, “You know what? You should make sure anyone who is going to work on the house is insured and licensed. This guy obviously is, since he put the number RIGHT ON HIS BUSINESS CARD, but hey, couldn’t hurt to double check, right?” And it’s so easy to check online, it’s clearly worth the small amount of effort.

Well, wouldn’t you know it – his license had expired. And the other two people, the really expensive and the suspiciously cheap guys? They were licensed and insured and ready to go. But not the guy we were planning on using. So I decided to be nice and call the guy, and let him now that his license had expired, and that just as soon as he renewed it, we’d be happy to hire him. He said he would do it right away, and then call me.

He never called. He also never renews his license, according to the online database. Being licensed must no longer be important to him, and I guess he just didn’t want my money.

So not wanting to shell out the incredibly high price of the expensive contractor, we decided to go with the guy who gave us the very low quote. Now, this decision flew in the face of people who warned us that you tend to get what you pay for with these kinds of things. And that if a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is. And even if it’s cheap now, if they do a bad job, I’d just have to pay for it later. But he was licensed, and had good reviews on ServiceMagic, and we were eager to get the job done so we could keep going on Baby’s room. So we scheduled him to come by and do the job, at 1:30 on a Saturday.

That was easy, right? Not quite.

By 3:00pm, no one had shown, and I hadn’t gotten a call, so I called the contractor. He apologized, and told me that the guys were running behind on their previous job, but he swore that they would be there later that day, probably in roughly an hour.

Two hours later, without a word, I called them back, far more agitated. The man again apologized profusely, and swore that his guys would be there first thing Sunday morning, bright and early, around 8:30am.

I got up that early – on a Sunday, a day I like to sleep in – but they never showed. Apparently, these guys just didn’t want my money.

So then I decided to call Home Depot, since they refer contractors. I spoke to someone at the store first thing Monday morning, and he said that though they charge $30 for an estimate, I would be contacted by one of their people right away, and I would have my attic stairs installed the following weekend. And they actually charged my credit card for the $30; someone finally took my money, which has to be a good sign!

That was easy, right? Not quite.

The way Home Depot works is that they put you in touch with the contractors, but they insist that they’ll call you, not the other way around. I was promised that I would be getting a call later on Monday. Then on Tuesday. Then first thing Wednesday morning. I’m not going to venture a guess as to how much time I spent on hold, but needless to say I could recite the entire Home Depot “on hold” spiel by heart if I wanted to. (“I can do it. They can help!” If only someone would just HELP ME!) Finally, after yelling and insisting to be put in touch with the contractors directly, I finally got a hold of someone late Wednesday afternoon. I figured having the job done this weekend wouldn’t be possible now, since it was so late in the week, but it was worth asking. But wouldn’t you know it – these guys only work during the week! The guy actually suggested I take a day off so he could come over and do it. I told him that there were plenty of other contractors who work on the weekend (even though I don’t actually know this for a fact based on my own experiences, it seems reasonable enough.) He said he would check with his boss if someone would be available to do it on a weekend, but it might cost a little more money.

Then he calls me back with great news – not only will they do it on a Saturday for me, but they’ll do it for NO EXTRA CHARGE! Phew! What a relief!

Well, that wasn’t easy, but at least now we can get it done, right?

Not quite.

He gave me a price estimate that made my jaw drop. His lowest end estimate (which didn’t include any parts and was subject to go up based on 14 different eventualities) was crazy high – even higher than the first guy who gave me a pricey quote.

So, needless to say, I got to spend another delightful period of time on the phone with Home Depot trying to get my $30 refunded.

Sigh.

Won’t somebody PLEASE take (a reasonable amount of) my money?

For some reason, babies tend to be measured in fruit sizes.

When I tell people how big Baby Noah is at any given time, I usually use fruit as an analogy. And it’s not a conscious decision on my part, that’s just the way it’s done. Every week I get an email from the nice folks over at babycenter.com that details Baby’s developments, and it always includes Baby’s size as compared to an item of produce. Here is, according to babycenter, a fetus’ growth, week by week.

Week 4: Poppy seed
Week 5: Sesame seed
Week 6: Lentil
Week 7: Blueberry
Week 8: Kidney bean
Week 9: Grape
Week 10: Kumquat (because everyone knows EXACTLY how big a kumquat is.)
Week 11: Fig
Week 12: Lime
Week 13: Medium shrimp (What, there’s no shrimp-sized fruit?)
Week 14: Lemon
Week 15: Apple
Week 16: Avocado
Week 17: Turnip
Week 18: Bell pepper
Week 19: Large heirloom tomato (People leave tomatoes to their kin in wills?)
Week 20: Banana (In length.)
Week 21: Carrot (Again, in length.)
Week 22: Spaghetti squash
Week 23: Large mango
Week 24: Ear of corn (In length.)
Week 25: Rutabaga (Again, I can’t off the top of my head picture a rutabaga for the life of me.)
Week 26: English hothouse cucumber (In length. And, hey, thanks for specifying; I wouldn’t want to have gotten confused with a Scottish cold barn cucumber.)
Week 27: Head of cauliflower
Week 28: Chinese cabbage
Week 29: Butternut squash
Week 30: A good-sized cabbage (Which is apparently bigger than the Chinese variety.)
Week 31: Four navel oranges
Week 32: A large jicama (Is that a thing? My spell check doesn’t seem to think so.)
Week 33: Pineapple
Week 34: Cantaloupe
Week 35: Honeydew
Week 36: Crenshaw melon (We must be running out of melons!)
Week 37: A stalk of Swiss chard (In length. Has it really been that long since I’ve been in a grocery store that I have no idea what the hell these things are?)
Week 38: Leek (In length.)
Week 39: Mini watermelon (No mention of if it’s seedless or not.)
Week 40: Small pumpkin (Aww!)

Thankfully, someone out there made a handy conversion of these sizes to something that your average man can more easily identify with; it’s a pretty cool blog I stumbled upon called hisboyscanswim.com. Anyway, here is His Boys Can Swim’s answer to all those fruit sizes.

Week 4: A tiny dot visible under a magnifying glass
Week 5: BB pellet
Week 6: A nut (As in a washer and nut.)
Week 7: The power button on a TV remote
Week 8: Quarter
Week 9: Marble
Week 10: The head of a hammer
Week 11: Golf ball
Week 12: Small tape measure
Week 13: A car’s gas cap
Week 14: Stress ball
Week 15: Baseball
Week 16: Small stud finder
Week 17: Hockey puck
Week 18: Small electric shaver (I don’t think I’ve ever had an electric shaver that was slightly larger than a hockey puck, but whatever.)
Week 19: Softball
Week 20: “One nice-sized boob” (His words, not mine.)
Week 21: Beer bottle (In length.)
Weeks 21 – 24: Over-inflated football
Weeks 25 – 28: A 13 inch boot.
Weeks 29 – 32: A Big Wheels’ front wheel
Weeks 33 – 36: A 17 inch computer screen (Or, presumably anything else that’s 17 inches long.)
Weeks 37 – 40: The electric motor of the 2008 Tesla (I am nowhere near manly enough to be able to picture that in my head. Is it about the size of a small pumpkin?)

Well, I clearly have some issues with both of these lists. So, without further ado, I hereby present the official alannoah.com version of how big a fetus is at various points of a pregnancy. (It’s a safe bet that both of the first two lists were far more thoroughly researched and fact-checked than mine, so take the below guidelines with a Week 4 Fetus.)

Week 4: A grain of salt (See what I did there?)
Week 8: One candy corn
Week 10: Nintendo DS cartridge
Week 12: Swedish fish
Week 14: Gamecube disc
Week 16: A stack of a year’s magazines (In height.)
Week 18: Archos 5, 120 GB
Week 20: My novelty Mets helmet/ice cream cup
Week 22: Wiimote and Nunchuck (In length.)
Week 24: Citi Field hot dog (In length.)
Week 26: Star Wars Original Trilogy boxed set on DVD
Week 28: A rolled up T-shirt shot out of a cannon
Week 30: A half-gallon of iced tea (In weight.)
Weeks 32 – 34: Courtney’s 2 pink dumbbells (In weight.)
Weeks 35 – 37: Sherlock’s height (In length.)
Weeks 38 – 40: Bowling ball (In size, probably not weight. Unless you bowl with a kid’s ball, or your baby is a giant.)

Baby Noah is 24 weeks today, which means that s/he is about the size of an ear of corn, an over-inflated football, or a Citi Field hot dog, depending on which scale you prefer.

But the important thing is that Baby is kicking, and now Courtney and I can both feel it. YAY!

Sure, that excitement wore out fast, and I’ve since gotten slightly better at blocking a lot of the comments that are obviously spam.

But this is REALLY pissing me off:

Now my “Nick” post is being hit pretty regularly, and my filters seem to be missing a lot of the fake comments.

These spambots want to peddle their male enhancement and sleazy sites and online casinos, fine, but keep it the hell off that post. I have 207 other posts to hit – spamming any of them is annoying, but spamming that one in particular really gets under my skin. Maybe that’s irrational. Maybe I should just understand that these things come in waves, and in a few weeks another random post will be getting all of the fake comments, but in the meantime, this is driving me crazy.

If anyone has any good ideas on how to block these bastards, I’m all ears – thanks.