• You see under-dressed kids walking around in the cold, and you think to yourself, “Man, those kids really should put on a jacket.”
• When you hear a screaming baby in public, you’re not annoyed by the noise; you just feel bad for the upset kid and the panicking parents.
• Your social calendar is completely dependent on a nap schedule.
• Watching movies or TV shows where bad stuff happens to kids has become infinitely more disturbing. The Walking Dead, I’m looking at you.
• Leaving the house now requires more preparing, packing, and planning than a foreign invasion.
• Getting someone else’s pee and poop on you is something you just sort of accept as part of your daily routine.
• You’d love to slap the $#!& out of not only the bastard who molests little boys and his pals who turned a blind eye, but also the whiny punks who are worried about how this atrocity may impact future sporting events.
• The songs that are most likely to be stuck in your head are “Wheels on the Bus” or “Old Mac Donald.”
• Even if you’re alone, you still have the urge to point out any truck, bus, train, or plane you happen to see. (This may apply more to the parents of boys.)
• You are completely baffled by the unending appeal of Elmo, Gymbo the clown, and Thomas the Tank Engine.
• The prospect of catching a cold seems far worse than it ever did before.
• You find yourself coveting your very own pair of footie pajamas.

Anything else I’ve left off the list?

BUT…

This is just getting ridiculous lately.  I’m writing this post as I stand freezing on the train platform, waiting for my train which will be 8 minutes late.

No, 11 minutes.

Now they’re saying upwards of 15-20 minutes.

What does that mean?  25 minutes would fall into that category, as would an hour and a half.  Grrrr.

And why is it that everytime I leave work early and catch an early train, some ridiculous delay gets me home at my regular time.  It happened the second night of Rosh Hoshanah.  It happened last Thursday, when all I wanted was to get home early and hang out with Aunt Georgia, who had come all the way from Atlanta, yet still had to wait for me and the stupid train.

The announcements are impossible to understand, no one ever knows anything, and what the hell happened to the Quiet Car pilot program?  It’s funny though… the conductors are always very vigilant on making sure every single person on these delayed trains has paid their ridiculously high fare.

Are jetpacks going to be invented anytime soon?  Please?

But the recent overreactions about the 3DS, the new Facebook layout, and the whole Netflix/Qwikster thing seem to have gone too far.

Let’s start with Nintendo.  Now granted, the 3DS has had some troubles since it’s launch. Initial sales numbers were lower than expected, Nintendo had to implement the “ambassador” program, and then there was news of an add-on second analog stick. Certainly this has been one of the weaker launches in the Big N’s illustrious history. But the company held a big press conference, and announced details on a slew of new games and services that will be coming soon. Which, for my mind, gets me even more excited about the system in the months to come. But investors were less impressed, and the stock dropped 5%. One investor took to the press and claimed that Nintendo’s portable gaming model (you have to buy their system to play their games) is dying because people want to download and play games on their cell phones.

What an overreaction!  Sure, people like to download and play cheap games on their cell phones, but that doesn’t mean there’s no room in the market for a portable game system, too.  No matter what, there will always be issues of compatibility, and there will never be one magical device that does everything every customer wants it too.  So why should Nintendo give up the handheld market it has totally dominated since the Game Boy was released over two decades ago?  Because Angry Birds is popular?  People like watching stupid cat videos on YouTube – does that mean that Hollywood should stop making big-budget movies, too?

Then there’s the new Facebook layout.  The homepage is different; now top stories are updated and designed to show you what is the “most interesting.”  Seems like a novel idea to me.  But of course, countless people are complaining about how awful it is, and how the old homepage was so much better.

What an overreaction!  Come on, Facebook has been evolving since it first began, and every single time there’s a change, people hate it.  Then they grow to like it.  Then they think that layout is perfect.  Then something else changes, and there is a new revolution.  Shrug.  I fail to see what the big deal is with this update.  No matter what, the News Feed will contain some things that are interesting, funny, informative, as well as things that are pointless, dull, and repetitive (like, for example, dozens of complaints about the new Facebook.)  That’s what makes Facebook what it is – a narcissistic, voyeuristic, time waster.

And finally, there’s Netflix’s decision to split into two entities, the streaming only Netflix, and the disc-only Qwikster.  Now, I have to admit right off the bat that I do think there are some serious flaws to this decision, first and foremost making the two websites completely separate and incompatible.  That just makes things unnecessarily complicated for customers who wish to have both services.

But that said, why the overreaction?  Any way you look at it, Netflix was and is a groundbreaking company.  The whole way that people watch previously released movies and TV shows has been forever altered for the better thanks to them.  And once again, the system is going to change.  It may make things slightly more of a hassle at the moment, but it’s still a much better solution then having to run out to a video store.  Some people will prefer to only keep one service – and for them, this split isn’t an inconvenience at all.  And for the people who want both, they will still be able to get the content they want, any way they want, which is still pretty damn cool.  And while these changes (and the price hike from earlier in the year) are not ideal, they are (presumably) necessary for Netlfix to stay in business.  So really, is it THAT big of a deal?

For me, the end of summer has nothing to do with the autumnal equinox or Labor Day.  It doesn’t necessarily correlate with falling leaves or the first day of school.  The summer is over for me the second I put on pants.

Don’t get me wrong – there is a lot to love about the summer, from barbecues and baseball to warm weather and the excuse to eat excessive amounts of ice cream.  But the ability to wear shorts and sandals (aka mandals) trumps all of the rest.

Now I realize that the vast majority of humanity has no interest whatsoever in staring at my hairy legs and Hobbit-esque feet.  But I don’t care.  This is America, dammit, and last I checked, wearing shorts and mandals was a Constitutional right.  (Thomas Jefferson insisted on it!) And if you don’t have to wear all of that extra clothing on your calves, not to mention unnecessary socks and shoes on your feet, why would you?

I am fortunate to work in an industry without a formal dress code; in any office I’ve ever been in, if you show up in slacks and a button down shirt, people will ask you what the special occasion is.  Jeans and T-shirts will almost always be more than sufficient, thankyouverymuch, and for that I am eternally grateful.  But in the hot summer, when even jeans and sneakers are just too heavy, I can go months at a time without a stitch of cloth over my knees. That’s living the good life.

And this isn’t a new phenomenon either.  My sophomore year at Cornell, I had continued wearing shorts well into the fall semester, when a kid in my dorm dared me that I couldn’t go pantsless for the rest of the calendar year.  I accepted the challenge, which would be crazy anywhere, let alone Ithaca.  But there I was, walking around campus in a heavy jacket, hat, gloves… and shorts.  (And to think – I *didn’t* have a girlfriend at the time! Shocking!)  Even when I was home on breaks and could have gotten away with cheating, I stuck to the terms of the bet.  Though I successfully completed the challenge, I never received any winnings other than the bragging rights.  (I’m bragging about this?)

But now, I’m older and allegedly more adult.  Which means wearing shorts when they’re appropriate, and pants when the temperature dips below 70.  We may still get a few days of shorts-worthy weather here and there (fingers crossed), but the jeans have come off of their hanger.  Summer is officially over.

From dictionary.com:
Unsolicited – un·so·lic·it·ed [uhn-suh-lis-i-tid] adjective
given or supplied without being requested or asked for

Unsolicited advice. When you didn’t ask for someone’s opinion, but they decide to give it to you anyway. Everyone hates getting it, yet everyone also ironically loves to give it.

I suppose there are various times in your life when you are especially prone to receiving unsolicited advice; like when you’re trying to decide on a college, or a major, or a career, or when you’re planning a wedding. But it seems like I have never heard as much about what other people think since becoming a parent.

Man, people just love to tell you what’s best for your kid! Because after all, as the child’s parent, what kind of insight could you possibly have about his or her well-being??? Clearly, a total stranger is going to be in a better position to see the best course of action for your offspring! I mean honestly, what is the thought process here?

Allow me to illustrate with an example. A while back, we took Eli out to breakfast a at a local diner. There was another family with a baby at a table nearby, and so there was a perfectly normal exchange of baby small talk. You know:
“He’s so cute!”
“So is yours!”
“How old?”
“Aww!”
“I love the outfit!”
“She looks just like you!”
And so on. Which is all well and good. But a little while later, while Eli was playing with a spoon, the mother at the next table just had to chime in with some unsolicited words of wisdom.

Super Nosy Mom: “Um, he has a spoon, just so you know.”
Us, failing to see what is wrong with a baby playing with a spoon: “Yeah, we know.”
SNM: “Oh. I guess everyone’s different!”

Well, that’s certainly true. Not everyone is nearly as obnoxious as you are!

I mean, really, it was a spoon. Not a steak knife. Not a butter knife. Not a fork. Hell, it wasn’t even a spork! Just a spoon, totally rounded and safe for a baby to play with. When you get right down to it, the spoon is hands down the most unassuming and the least dangerous utensil that we as a society use on a regular basis. So… What’s the issue?

Maybe this lady had suffered some sort of traumatic spoon experience early in her life. Maybe she knew a kid who was playing with a spoon when a gigantic earthquake hit, and the spoon went sailing out of the kid’s hand, and it killed a million people. But you know, a spoon seems pretty harmless to me. And he’s MY kid. So you know what, lady? Shut up.

Now that incident happened when Courtney was around, but things are even worse when it’s just me and Eli out together. See, there’s an odd kind of sexism out there that people think fathers have no idea how to handle a small child. And while that may be true of many men, I happen to know plenty of dads who are quite adept at changing diapers, feeding their kids, rocking them to sleep, and doing whatever else is necessary to keep a baby safe and happy. But the stereotype still exists.

Last week, I was off from work, so I decided to bring Eli out to a Mets game, just the two of us. Because I have a (mostly) fully functional brain, I knew that taking Eli to such an event would require sunscreen, so I made sure he was well protected from the sun’s harmful rays – both UVA *and* UVB!  But guess what happened when some Big Mouth Lady happened by?

Big Mouth Lady: “He’s so cute/what’s his name/how old/is this his first Mets game?”
Me: “Thanks/Eli/18 months/no, his third!”
BML: “Well, I really hope you put some sunscreen on him! The sun is really out today!”

Oh, is it? Is THAT why my eyes burn whenever I look straight up? Wow, lady, you must be, like, a super genius! Do you travel around the country, just helping people everywhere you go with your incredible wisdom? You don’t? You totally should! No, really. Go. Right now.

I know, I know. All of this unsolicited advice comes from good intentions. These random strangers thought they were doing the right thing by speaking up. They figured they were protecting Eli from first-degree burns and horrific spoon-induced mutilations.  I get that their hearts were in the right place.  But I think unless there is a clear threat of immediate/severe physical harm, these opinions are best kept to themselves.

In other words, if you see a baby pulling the pin off of a live grenade, say something.  If he’s playing with a spoon, just shut the hell up.

Thanks!

• LIRR train conductors and ticket takers who are so in love with the sound of their own voices that they just can’t stop announcing which cars won’t make the platform at Cold Spring Harbor.
• People who change direction while walking down the street without any thought of how their sudden drastic movements will affect other pedestrians.
• Guys who think that it is just SO impressive that they can whistle that they just HAVE to show off their “skill” in any and every environment where the acoustics will make their noise sound like an unfathomably loud, piercing shriek.  Why is this socially acceptable?
• People who listen to their Ipods at such a high volume that they need to keep one ear bud hanging loose.  Here’s a tip: Turn It Down!
• Everyone who rides a motorcycle.
• Anyone who thinks that their jokes made at a movie are even remotely clever.  They’re not.
• Drivers who are in SUCH a hurry to cut you off, but once they are in front of you, suddenly decide to drive 20 miles per hour below the speed limit.
• People who complain aloud to no one in particular, knowing full well that saying, “This is ridiculous” ad nauseum is just as ridiculous as whatever it is they are whining about.
• Anyone who opts to use an automated, do-it-yourself machine, despite having no understanding of how any form of technology works.  These things are an incredible time-saver for those of us who can follow on-screen instructions; please get out of our way.
• People who won’t pull over or otherwise make way for an ambulance.  Is your impatience really more important than somebody else’s life?
• Anyone who swings their arms wildly and violently while walking.  It might burn more calories, but if it also gets you beaten up, will it really matter?
• Folks who just refuse to say thank you after you hold open a door for them.  There’s a reason common courtesy is dying: people like you.
• Yankee fans.
• People who throw out other people’s food in common refrigerators.  Sure it should be cleaned out once in a while, but are my one-day old leftovers really taking up that much fridge shelf real estate?
• Horrifically impatient elevator riders.  Pushing the “Door Close” button eight times after each person gets out ain’t gonna get you to your precious desk ANY faster, Buddy.
• Drivers who just haven’t mastered the simple art of perpendicular parking.  Here’s a free tip: If you want to turn left into a parking space, just turn left.  Swinging wide to the right not only won’t help you fit into that space, but it also exponentially increases the odds of you getting hit.  So, good job.

I’m sure I’m forgetting lots of other kinds of jerks – who else annoys YOU?

Well, usually Eli and I listen to the Q while we drive to day care in the morning, and there’s something that has been standing out to me lately – the made up holidays.

Usually, every day is something ridiculous, and the morning team announces it as part of the news/weather/traffic. Today is Coleslaw Appreciation Day. Today is International Rugby Players Named Harold Day. Today is Wear That Purple Shirt You Have You Know The One With the Small Tear in the Sleeve Yeah That One Day.

But since today is the first of June, there was an even longer, even more absurd list of what June is the official month of. It is:

Audiobook Appreciation Month. Really. So you better start APPRECIATING those damn audiobooks. Right now!

Fireworks Safety Month. Which, as the DJ’s pointed out, seems a month early, though maybe they figure it’s better to have it before the nation starts blowing off their fingers.

National Bathroom Reading Month.  It gets its own month?  Does that mean you can’t do it from July through May?  How are you supposed to get through monthly periodicals?

National Ice Tea Month.  I think they should bring this one worldwide.

National Safety Month.  Hey, isn’t it already Fireworks Safety Month?  Shouldn’t general Safety Month encompass fireworks safety, as well as boating safety, lawnmower safety, and the Safety Dance??

Most importantly, where do all of these damn holidays come from?  Can anyone just decide that any random day/week/month is the official day/week/month of whatever you want?  Can I name June 2nd Eat Bacon For All Three Meals Day?  Get ready – it’s tomorrow!

And does anyone take these holidays seriously?  Is there really somewhere an office-building, filled with extremely dedicated bureaucrats, determined each year to make sure that every June more and more people understand the importance of reading in the bathroom?  Do they spend all year gearing up for June, planning events and consortiums, live-events, and sending out mailers to help others get involved?  Is June 1st their Christmas?  Are they unable to go on family vacations in June, because this is their “busy season?”

OK, that’s enough ranting for today.  But you can’t blame me – it is International Ranting About Made Up Holidays Day.

Let’s review the chorus, which includes the five “steps” outlined in the song:
One, you’re like a dream come true
Two, just wanna be with you
Three, girl it’s plain to see
That you’re the only one for me and
Four, repeat steps one through three
Five, make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I’ll start back at one.

With some very simple reflection, the first three steps outlined in Brian McKnight’s courtship of a young lady are not steps at all – they are observations, and not particularly actionable. Let’s say that Mr. McKnight has become romantically interested in a woman named Sally. Mr. McKnight may in fact notice that Sally is a dream come true, but there is no specific “step” there. If Sally is not like a dream come true, all Mr. McKnight can do to make that happen is to sleep more frequently, and hopefully sooner or later he will experience nocturnal imagery about an ideal mate that is particularly Sally-esque.

“Step” two involves Mr. McKnight wishing to be with Sally, and only Sally. While this is a very sweet sentiment, this emotion is something that arguably should not be forced; either Mr. McKnight desires to be with no other women, or he prefers the company of others. Convincing himself of something that simply is not true will not be doing himself nor Sally any great favors.

Number three is effectively the same as its immediate predecessor, with the addition that now it is “plain to see.” Perhaps Mr. McKnight is acknowledging some measure of uncertainty during the preceding step, which is certainly admirable that he can be so honest about being less than positive about his earlier feelings, even when he aspired to be completely certain from the outset.

Step four is a reminder to repeat the previous three steps. If one follows this instruction logically, following the “five” separate measures really goes in this pattern (also known as the Step Four Theorem):
1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4… ad infinitum.
It’s a never-ending cycle – and it precludes you from ever getting to step number five.

Which is a shame, because the fifth step is the only one with a performable action: make the woman of Mr. McKnight’s desire fall in love with Mr. McKnight. Regrettably, there are no specifics listed here. Such details would have likely been quite helpful for anyone struggling to get a love interest to return their unrequited feelings.

Then Mr. McKnight indicates that if he ever becomes complacent in his romantic situation, he will just start again from the beginning. But of course, as previously proved by the Step Four Theorem, one can never actually reach, let alone successfully complete, the fifth step. In other words, one really only completes the first three steps over and over. In so doing, the infatuated party becomes more and more obsessed with his lady love, becoming more and more convinced that she is his only possibility for love and happiness. And by not ever getting to the all-important fifth step, the desired is never made to share those feelings in return.

Bottom line: this song is basically a blueprint for turning a nice, normal person into a delusional and likely psychotic stalker.

Remember when I wrote about how a Buffy movie might happen without Joss Whedon?  Well, it’s offically happening.

Sigh.

So what does Joss himself think about it?  You can and should read his thoughts here, but his point is essentially that it seems strange to remake something when the original is still so fresh in people’s minds.

And he’s right.  The thing is, people bemoan remakes and reboots and endless sequels, but enough people (possibly the same ones bemoaning, perhaps not) still shell out for tickets to see these movies.  This summer’s The Karate Kid was both bemoaned AND extremely profitable.  (I’ll stop using the word “bemoan” now.)  And show business is, after all, a business, so you can understand why countless remakes are being greenlit – an established name is a safer financial investment than a purely original concept.

Even though The Karate Kid is something I fondly recall, it had been 21 years since Daniel-San’s last fight (and 16 years since The Next Karate Kid – shudder.)  That is at least a decent amount of time to wait before starting again from scratch.  I have written about this before as well, specifically how Warner Bros. – the same people rebooting Buffy -  decided to reboot their Superman franchise just a few years after Superman Returns.   Should there at least be some sort of time limit – say 20 years – in between attempts to restart what could be a possible franchise?  Or will it only be a matter of time before something like this happens?

The trouble with a time limit is that then the moviemakers would just set their sights on older movies.  Hell, that’s happening now, too -  there is talk of a Wizard of Oz remake for crying out loud.  So maybe there should be an independent council set up, made up of regular folks, hardcore fans, and industry professionals, who would have to approve any remakes.  They would be able to give the go-ahead to specific projects, or deem certain ideas as “classics” that are not allowed to be remade.   Of course the problem with both that idea and establishing an arbitrary time limit is that they don’t take into account the legalities of the current properties – certain individuals and corporate entities own the rights to beloved characters and stories, and they can do what they want with them.

So how about this idea – why not remake BAD movies and TV shows?  Sure, sure, I get that such an idea flies in the face of the whole “safer investment” argument, but hear me out: Take an old property that was at its core a good idea, but the execution was just way off, then attach a writer/director/star who really want to do justice to the core of the original story.  That way you get to cash in on an established name, while at the same time not alienating scores of die-hard fans.  I guess you’d piss off the people involved with the original, but that’s their own fault for making a crappy show or movie.

Perfect example: Waterworld.  The concept – in the future, the polar ice caps have melted, the world is covered by oceans, and dry land and drinking water are next to impossible to find.  That sort of eco-friendly, green message would play great now!  And who would be offended by remaking Waterworld?  Costner?  Too bad.  Bring in a good creative crew, and turn that into a tentpole movie.  Sign the actors for three pictures and make it a trilogy.  Market the hell out of it – make some obligatory comparisons to The Dark Knight, say that this version will be the Waterworld that they just couldn’t make 15 years ago!  It will be better!  Darker!  More dramatic!  Actually watchable!  Everybody wins!

Taking classic films that have stood the test of the time and needlessly updating them is a real shame.  So is bastardizing a franchise that has only recently hit screens.  The system of what gets rebooted needs to be rebooted.  Any other ideas?

After Election Day, the never-ending cheesy, offensive, and in terribly bad taste ads go away.

After Election Day, the signs that clutter lawns and every square inch of green grass get taken down.

After Election Day, the amount of pie charts and bar graphs on the news declines exponentially.

After Election Day, you don’t have to be reminded thousands of times how important it is to vote, how you really should get out there and vote, how you’re a bad person if you don’t vote, and people stop asking you, “So…. did you vote yet?”

After Election Day, the next year’s campaigns begin.