Earlier in the week, I posited a question to my Facebook friends in honor of Valentine’s Day: What is the cheesiest love song ever? I got many good responses, but one really got me thinking… the epically cheesy monster ballad by Extreme, “More Than Words.” Remember that one? It went a little something like this:

Well, I think this song is in need of the Alan Noah over analysis treatment. (You know, like I did that one other time that was such a smash hit?)  Why? Because this song doesn’t just take a few grammatical liberties with it’s lyrics; it’s an affront to our language as a whole.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you.

Clearly, songwriters Gary Cherone and Nuno Bettencort forgot the basic tenants of the rules on when to use “is” and “are,” namely that if the subject is singular, you use “‘is,” and if it is plural, you use “are.”  There are three words in the phrase, “I love you,” therefore they are not the words he wants to hear from you.  Also it should be noted that the word “saying” is totally unnecessary.

Moving on.

It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel.

So I guess when they were writing this song, Cherone and Bettencort couldn’t resist not using a double negative, huh? And the sentence isn’t a complete thought; the conjunction “if” never really transitions to a qualifier.

More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know.

Here we get into the song’s biggest issue – how they’re defining “more than words.”  They appear to be using it as a verb, indicating that it is all you have to “do.” Of course, this is a stretch, because how does one “do” more than words? According to the prior line, it is an easy thing to do, but I have never in my life heard someone say, “Hey Charlie, I’m going to be a little bit late to dinner, I have to more than words for half an hour before I leave the house.”

The implication seems to be that actions speak louder than words, and that is a nice (if clichéd) sentiment. But the songwriters fail to explain what it is that they are looking for their mate to do, and how it would be so easy. That’s not really a grammatical issue, I just think a little more clarity out of the gate would have been nice.

What would you do if my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real.

Here again, “more than words” is being used as if it were a specific thing that someone could do, when it is in fact simply a vague description of some undefined action that would mean more than saying “I love you.”.

What would you say if I took those words away?
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you.

I suppose these lines are coherent sentences, but they don’t really make much sense. If Cherone and Bettencort removed the words “I love you” from our communal vocabulary, then of course no one would be able to say them at all, let alone to serve the specific purpose of making things new. Fortunately for us all, they have no such power over the English language.

More than words.

Yes, we know.

Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me.
Hold me close, don’t ever let me go.

Ah, well there’s that clarification I was looking for! So it turns out that this entire song is about hugging with your eyes closed! Wait, that means more than the words “I love you?” Whatever you say, fellas. And though it may be slightly off topic, the platitude “don’t ever let me go” has always bothered me. I mean, you can’t ever let the other person go? Ever? What about when you have to go to the bathroom? Or want to play videogames? Or, you know, just want some time to yourself where you’re not being hugged tightly by another person with their eyes closed?

The song then goes on by repeating the same sentiments we’ve already gone over.

But since it’s awfully easy to criticize and harder to do something about it, I hereby offer my suggestions on how to fix the song’s lyrics to better convey what Cherone and Bettencort were really getting at. And I have done it without affecting the musical structure of the song. Enjoy.

“Baby, I love you,”
Are not the words I want to hear from you.
The words are nice and all,
But I just wish you knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel.
A closed-eye hug is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know.
What would you do if a lack of hugs had made me blue?
A closed-eye hug to show you feel
That your love for me is real.
What would you say if I took that hug away?
You’d futilely try to make things new
Just by saying I love you.

Now that I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close and periodically let me go.
A closed-eye hug is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know.

Now, isn’t that better?