By now, everyone has heard the news that Lindsay Lohan is suing eTrade because they named a “milkaholic” baby “Lindsay” in one of their talking baby commercials.

This is so ridiculous, I don’t even know where to begin.

First off, how about the fact that she is suing them for $100 million dollars.  ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.  Where did she get that number, from Dr. Evil?  Doesn’t she realize how insanely ludicrous that is?  Even if this lawsuit wasn’t the craziest thing ever (it is), how can she expect it to be taken seriously when she is asking for such an astronomical figure?

Secondly, she is saying that by naming the “milkaholic” baby in the ad Lindsay, eTrade has violated her privacy by using her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality.”  Really?  Are you serious?  Watch the commercial again:

Now, remember, she is saying that the baby infringes upon Ms. Lohan’s “likeness, name, characterization, and personality.” Let’s break this down one at a time, shall we?
This baby shares Lindsay Lohan’s likeness? Lohan is 23, that baby is what, 1? They look nothing alike.
They share a first name, I’ll give her that.
So, how does a fictional baby share a characterization with a celebrity? Well, the baby is described as a milkaholic, and Lindsay Lohan has battled alcohol and drug addiction. Yeah… but… so? I’m sure there are lots of people named Lindsay who have been addicted to things; should they all get to sue, too? Not to mention – couldn’t most babies be characterized as milkaholics? (Eli sure could be!)
She also thinks this baby – who is made to TALK VIA THE MAGIC OF COMPUTER EFFECTS, by the way – has stolen her personality. Well, she clearly must not hold herself in very high regard, because Baby Lindsay’s one line in the ad is “milk-a-what?” Is Lohan saying that she can’t pronounce the made up word milkaholic? I’m sure she could if she tried.

Then there’s the whole part about how the name Lindsay is now synonymous with Lindsay Lohan, that she has the same level of “single-name recognition” as Oprah or Madonna. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that Lindsay Lohan is as famous the world over as Oprah and Madonna. Well, here are some fun facts for you:

Oprah is watched by over 20 million viewers every single week in the United States, and that figure isn’t counting the other 100+ countries her show is sent to.

Madonna has sold over 200 million albums over the course of her career, is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and was ranked second on the 2008 Billboard Hot 100 All-Time Top Artists list. (Number one were the Beatles.)

Lindsay Lohan was in the well-received movie Mean Girls, and had a hit song “Rumors,” both in 2004. After that she released a second lackluster album, and starred in the movies Just My Luck and I Know Who Killed Me. Remember them?

Also, Oprah and Madonna have the names Oprah and Madonna! Mentally, go through your friends and family and acquaintances. How many Oprahs and Madonnas do you know? None? Me too! How about Lindsays? Know a few? Who doesn’t? Know why? Because it’s a common name!

Sorry for ragging on a fellow Long Islander, but come on Lindsay, this is absolute lunacy, and on some level, you have to know it. And besides, those talking baby commercials are cute and funny. So leave the talking babies alone, OK???