Dear Jack Bauer,

Hi, this is Alan Noah, I’m a big fan of your work. Now I know you’ve gotten a lot of flack on the whole “torture” thing, but I’m with you; sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to save lives. And if that means threatening to rip a bad guy’s stomach out through his mouth or stab him in the eye with a pen, so be it.

But that’s not the reason I’m writing today. I wanted to pass along a couple of new forms of torture, and you should feel free to use them whenever a situation merits.

1. Removing old wallpaper. Listen Jack, I’m not talking about wallpaper that’s recently been put on a wall; I’m talking about the kind that was put on back in the 70’s. The kind that is stuck to the wall with adhesives and glues that have long since been banned by the government. And don’t give the suspects any of those sissy chemicals, neither – make them do it the old fashioned way, with a steamer. Naturally, sanding the wall, patching it, re-sanding it, priming it with an oil based primer that is IMPOSSIBLE to get off of your body, and then painting the walls is all included in this form of torture.

2. Removing old carpeting. What you want to keep in mind here is that the carpet tacks and nails need to be rusty. So rusty that just looking at them from afar will require several tetanus booster shots. And sharp. So sharp that they will make a mockery of the thickest gloves your terror suspects will be wearing. You have to make sure that there are an obscene number of staples in the floor holding down the carpet padding, so that the bad guy in question will be on his hands and knees for hours, trying delicately to pull up each and every one. And, of course, there is always the matter of cutting up the carpet into the appropriate size strips so the garbage men will take them away. And don’t forget all the buffing and cleaning of the hardwood floor after the carpet is gone!

Look Jack, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself, “Man, I’ve done some horrible things in my time to protect innocent people from harm, but is *this* too much? Is it possible to go too far?” Well my friend, we live in dark times, and these times may call for such drastic measures.

Best of luck to you,
Alan Noah

P.S. Please ask Kim why she hasn’t returned any of my calls since Season Two.