There are some people in the game of baseball that are just really easy to hate: A-Rod, Manny Ramirez, and Barry Bonds come to mind.

But no one compares to Larry.

Don’t know who I mean?  You may know him better by his fake name, Chipper Jones.

Ugh, just look at that smirk.

Of course I should note that it is the sworn duty of every Mets fan to hate, loathe, and despise Larry, and that I am merely expounding on several of the reasons why everyone else on earth should hate his guts as well.

Let’s start with a dissection of his name.  “Chipper’s” real name is Larry.  Not Lawrence, but Larry.  No, really, instead of his parents naming him the full name, they just went straight for the nickname.  His full name is Larry Wayne Jones, Jr., which means that he was named after another guy also named Larry, instead of Lawrence.

So what do you do when you’re born with a nickname instead of a real name?  You just run with that, and have everyone call you Larry.  Simple, right?  No need to come up with some dumb nickname!

But not for this Larry.  No, he was deemed to be such a “chip off the old block” (according to wikipedia, and if it’s on there, it must be true!) that people started calling him Chipper.  That must have been pretty awful, and so he probably either told everyone to go back to calling him Larry, or to come up with a less horrible nickname, right?

Nope.  He ran with it.

Chipper.

What do you think of when you hear the word “chipper?”  You either think about a wood chipper, or a guy who smiles likes this.

(Or maybe pushing someone who is always chipper into a wood chipper if you’re really cynical and dark and stuff.)

Dana Carvey used to do a great stand-up bit about how ridiculous it must have been when a guy named Gordon Sumner decided to change his name to Sting, and how much crap he must have gotten about it from his friends.  I sure hope Chipper got all of that and then some, but it is still ridiculous to think that he has gone through his entire professional career using such a ridiculous nickname as his real name.  Sting can get away with it; he’s a musician.  But what other ball player has sportscasters and fans all over the world misled about what his real name is?  When he was teammates with Andruw Jones, Larry was referred to as C Jones.  Why not L Jones?

If a stupid  name alone isn’t enough for you, consider this: the man cheated on his wife with a Hooters waitress.

Remember that run the Braves had where they were constantly making the playoffs but they never won the World Series once?  Well, they managed to win it in 1995, but the next year they lost to the Yankees.  Maybe the failure got to him, and he decided he needed some extramarital comfort.  Well, he apparently had several affairs after the ‘96 Series, but it was a lucky Hooters waitress who ended up carrying Larry’s illegitimate love child.

But at least he gave his first child the same name that he shares with his daddy, right?  Nope.  He waited until he remarried and had himself some “real” kids before giving a little boy the name Larry Wayne III.  Classy!  Then he named another kid Shea, because he loves hitting at Shea Stadium so much.  Is the kid going to be renamed Citi Field next year?

Or maybe the poor kid should just have his Shea name stripped altogether, after Daddy Larry’s awful performance here this week.

In this week’s sweep of the Braves by the first-place New York Mets, Larry drove in a run and scored a run that ultimately didn’t matter on Tuesday night, scored another meaningless run last night, and in Wednesday’s game he went 0 for 3 with two strikeouts (ending his 10-game hit streak) and had a costly error that allowed a run to score.  Nice job, Larry!

(There were also unconfirmed reports that Larry was heckled mercilessly on Tuesday night from Upper Deck, Section 35, Row K.)

In other Mets news, anyone want to go in on a pair of Shea Stadium seats with me?

They’re only$941.78 (after tax)!  And you thought $200 bucks for a brick was a lot…