Though New Zealand is home (sort of) to the names Frodo, Arwen, and Gandalf, the line had to be drawn somewhere. And that somewhere is apparently “Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.”

A Kiwi couple, who clearly had no business being parents, decided to give their daughter a name that is less a name and more a ridiculous sentence that contains both a rhyme and a lie (the girl seems to have been born in New Zealand.)  Not surprisingly, the little girl has been miserable, and she refuses to tell people her real name.  A judge has now taken custody away from the girl’s parents and renamed her, saying that giving a child such a bizarre name that could lead to bullying is a form of child abuse.

At least the little girl formerly known as Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii is not alone in New Zealand.  There are plenty of the other weird names given to children there, and the judge in this case specifically banned some of them, including Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy, Sex Fruit, Fat Boy, Satan, Adolf Hitler, 4Real, and Fish and Chips for twins.

How much spite and loathing does it take to decide to legally name your newborn Fat Boy?  How much can two Kiwis possibly love Detroit to name their kid after it?  Have they ever even been there?  If Keenan and Lucy have a child together, I think most people will be able to figure out that he “got” her.  Along those same lines, most grown-ups understand that children are the “fruit” of sex, so naming your child Sex Fruit isn’t really accomplishing much besides setting them up for a future career in the adult entertainment industry.

And would it be so bad to just name your little girl Talula and dress her up as a hula girl one Halloween and leave it at that?

Meanwhile, there are other names that, despite their incredible weirdness, the judge did not ban.  Those include Number 16 Bus Shelter, Violence, and Benson and Hedges for twins.  I guess Benson and Hedges are both names, but if a pregnant couple are that in love with their cigarettes, messed up names might be the least of their worries.  But Number 16 Bus Shelter?  How was that one able to slip through the cracks?

Still, I think the worst offender was the poor boy who was named O.crnia, which was how her mother spelled Oceania in text messages.

First of all, why the hell is this woman text messaging the word Oceania so often that she has a cute way of spelling it?  How often does she text her friends about the numerous islands in that region of the Pacific Ocean?  And does she realize that her texting “shorthand” misspelling actually has the same number of characters as the word itself?  And how terrible of a speller is this woman that she decided to drop an “r” into Oceania???

Sigh.
For the full story, click here, here, or here.