Movies based on song titles are nothing new. There’s “My Blue Heaven,” “Pretty Woman,” “My Girl,” and countless others. Once in a great while, a movie that shares its name with a song can even be good. But why is it that for every “Stand by Me,” there are umpteen “Sweet Home Alabama”s? (Not including biopics, of course. Those are a whole separate category.)

But why does Hollywood insist on keeping this tradition going? “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” is a great song, but as a future family-friendly action-comedy franchise? I’m not so sure about that. And I love The Cars as much as the next guy, but turning “My Best Friend’s Girl” into a romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson, Jason Biggs, and Dane Cook is pure blasphemy. Then this morning, I saw a poster for this future Oscar contender on a subway wall. Really? “Kiss Me Deadly?” We’re mining Lita Ford songs now for movie ideas? Why, when there are plenty of other songs that would make much better movies? Like say, these ten:

1. Scenes From an Italian Restaurant by Billy Joel A no-brainer; the story of Brenda and Eddie is already completely laid out. All the script needs is some wise-cracking friends/confidants that see them through their star-crossed marriage. Single moms and people from Long Island will love it.
2. Come On Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners How has this not been turned into a movie yet? Eileen is the most popular girl in high school, and she won’t even give poor old Johnny Ray the time of day. But Johnny Ray and his friends are cooking up a scheme to make SURE that J.R. will sleep with Eileen before graduation! Zany antics and grossout gags galore ensue.
3. Tiny Dancer by Elton John Warwick Davis can be taken seriously again after six (SIX!) Leprechaun movies by taking on this tear-jerking role of a blind, deaf, autistic, and impotent little person, who only feels happy when doing his best Baryshnikov. Maybe he’s gay, too.
4. Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson In this gritty cop drama, a pair of detectives set out to track down New York’s most ruthless fugitive. The Smooth Criminal, as he is dubbed by the sensationalist media, taunts the police that are on his trail by robbing Manhattan’s wealthiest without ever leaving a clue. That is, until a botched robbery of Irish socialite Annie O’Kaye leads to the case’s first real break: bloodstains on the carpet.
5. If I Had A Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies Frank is in love with Heather, but he’s just a poor schlub barely able to make ends meet. When Heather announces that she’s set to marry Stephan, a rich man who can buy her all the fake fur coats and green dresses that she wants, Frank hatches a scheme to become a millionaire, and buy Heather a monkey, a tree fort, and most importantly, her love.
6. Crocodile Rock by Elton John Dreamworks, or Pixar if they’re lucky, would handle the CGI animation of three wise-cracking crocodiles who start a rock band and travel around the bayou when their song turns into a major dance craze. Through their adventures, they learn the true meaning of friendship. Kids everywhere beg their parents for Official Crocodile Rock^TM merchandise.
7. Runnin’ With the Devil by Van Halen Tom always dreamed of being a champion marathoner, but he never had the endurance and creepy looking calves he needed until he sold his soul for the ability to break all kinds of world records. But now, Satan is coming to collect, and he and his demons hunt Tom and his friends in this brutally horrific thriller. Release it around Halloween, and it’s guaranteed to be a hit.
8. Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears Bruce Willis plays a former Marine who is forced to kick some major ass when a group of terrorists try to assassinate all of the world’s leaders at once during the First International Peace Summit. With the world leaders gone, the terrorists will finally have control of our precious planet. Bruce Willis cracks wise remarks as he beats up and kills the many terrible terrorists.
9. Dream Police by Cheap Trick In a dystopian future, the world’s governments have enlisted ruthless mercenaries to monitor the dreams of its citizens to avoid any and all free thinking. That is, until Keanu Reeves starts a rebellion against the Dream Police. Basically, it’d be a cross between The Matrix and Nightmare on Elm Street, but just the first ones.
10. Get Off of My Cloud by The Rolling Stones In the skies, there is a fantastical, magical world where all kinds of people and half-people/half-animal creatures live together in harmony. That is until an evil power threatens to take over all of Nimbustopia. Fortunately, some kids can save the cloud world, for some reason.

I may be just a simple blogger, but Hollywood, you better not steal any of these ideas from me without ponying up the loot first! Any other great ides? Post ‘em in the comments!