I recently watched the three Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and it occurred to me that even though Disney pulled off a remarkable feat by making one film (Curse of the Black Pearl) based on a theme park ride actually entertaining, they royally screwed up the sequels. Which is a real shame, if you ask me. (You didn’t, but you may have at some point.)

The first movie, the Curse of the Black Pearl, was a fun Bruckheimer-produced popcorn movie. The plot was simple: bad pirates stole some cursed coins and had to get them back so they could reverse their curse. Adventure, hi-jinx, and Johnny Depp ensue. What’s not to love? (Was that a little gay-sounding?) I had only two plot-related questions, that (correct me if I’m wrong) were not explained in the movie, namely: if Elizabeth Swann had one of the coins, why wasn’t she cursed, and why is it that Bootstrap Bill/his heir’s blood is necessary to reverse the curse? Still, those minor things didn’t detract from the novelty of the movie.

Dead Man’s Chest picked up after Black Pearl left off, but it quickly becomes very confusing. Jack Sparrow is searching for the key to a chest that contains Davy Jones’ heart, but all of the wheelings and dealings of the East India Trading Company just seemed to detract from the pirate swashbuckling and what have you. But there were still some cool, fun action scenes, so I didn’t mind too much that I was a little bit lost with the story.

But in At World’s End, everything totally unravels. The bad guy (Barbossa) from movie one is now a main good guy in movie three. And William Turner, our beloved hero from the first two flicks, is now a bad guy? Or is he still a good guy who’s trying to work every angle? It isn’t totally clear. Everyone is making deals, then breaking them, and it is very hard to keep up with. I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent fellow, so I didn’t appreciate the fact that I was confused by a Disney movie. To make matters worse, the storytelling gaps weren’t even glossed over with cannonball battles and sword fights and the like. No, we only got one big battle scene that didn’t make up for the characters that weren’t fleshed out (Chow Yun Fat’s Captain Whatshisname), stories that didn’t go anywhere (the love between Davy Jones and Voodoo Lady), and to top it all of, a pretty unhappy ending where (SPOILER ALERT) Will and Elizabeth get married, but are only allowed to see each other for one day every ten years. Downer!

Still, I guess Mickey and Co. could have done worse… (cough cough)