So it turns out that I’m in the market for a new best friend. And let’s be honest here, this is no small thing for a guy my age. I mean, finding a best friend when you’re a kid is easy. But at 35? Ugh. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Plus, I don’t really love the idea of “putting myself out there.” It’s been so long since I had to do any of this stuff, and I don’t know the new rules. Nowadays there’s all this social media stuff to contend with; am I supposed to follow a prospective friend on Twitter before our first man-date? Should I expect that he’ll google me and know all of my deepest darkest secrets before we even meet?
And where am I supposed to meet this perfect fella? Do casual encounters even happen at sports bars anymore? Should I just go online? I just checked my old Friendster page, and that was no help at all. Is there an app I can download? Something where I swipe through potential pals on my phone? You know, like Tinder, except for strictly platonic encounters? Oh, there’s absolutely NO INTEREST BY ANYONE EVER ON EARTH for such a thing?
This is going to be impossible.
Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe the old adage is true, and I’ll find the friend of my dreams just as soon as I stop looking for him.
In the meantime, I may as well make a list of the qualities that I’m looking for in my next best friend.
First of all, he’s got to love the stuff that I love. There doesn’t have to be 100% overlap of course; a little disagreement is healthy for any relationship. That said, I’m not about to be seen in public with a Yankee fan or someone who doesn’t appreciate the subtle brilliance of “Weird Al” Yankovic. If we’re going to be spending a lot of time together playing video games and talking about Star Wars, I expect that my partner will be able to hold his own in those arenas.
My next best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be a family man himself, but he’s got to be able to hang with me AND Courtney and the kids. Some dudes just don’t want to be around little fragile people that cry and wear diapers, and I can understand that. But that’s just not how I roll anymore. If you wanna hang with me, you gotta be able to hang out with my progeny.
And call me old fashioned, but I believe in a little thing called bromance. I don’t need to be constantly wined and dined with fancy microbrews and exotic boneless wings. But I, like anyone else, want to feel special and appreciated from time to time. That can be done with just a simple gesture, like an impromptu
movie , or even just a lingering manly handshug. (You know, that handshake/hug thing that guys do. The term “handshug” is Patent Pending.)
But more than anything else, I want a best friend who understands a little thing called LOYALTY.
Loyalty means staying true to your friends no matter what.
Loyalty means always being there when your pal needs you.
And loyalty means you DEFINITELY don’t up and move to North Carolina when your best friend lives in New York like a normal person.
My new best friend better really, REALLY hate North Carolina.